So … 

Here I am on day 3 of NaNoWriMo

When this Sunday started I was fast asleep for once. 2 x 5 hours only interrupted by the medz I have to take in the early morning in order for it to do its magic in the daytime. Back in bed. Slightly confused I realised it was 12 noon when I came to and the bunnies had to be let out of their cages or they’d not have any daytime outside. 

Yesterday I had made a promise to myself to make this Sunday the day where I got my word count up from 0 and where I usually get out of bed at 10’ish (3 hours to get the medz as effective as possible) I had now missed 2 hours of writing before I’d even set the first character! Lovely!

Get dressed, have breakfast, and today’s reading of a chapter in one of Dalai Lama’s books and I deferred from turning on the telly or putting on music. Writing and writing to my hearts desire. 

This year I’m not even writing a story! 

I’ve chosen not to interfere with the novel from last year, which is doing really well, since I’m not sure I’m in a mental state, where I can hold two stories in my head at once. I’m concerned that neither would have the full attention needed to become something more than … nothing! I’m not the person I was before 1999 and although I’m up to the challenges life is providing for me, I now need to pay attention to what I’m capable of as I develop in one or another direction.

It’s not that I’m worried of loosing all my marbles. 

There are enough of those but my attention span and need for concentration on only 1 thing at a time are both in other places than they were before. Some of it being age of course, but other parts being me changing as challenges pile up health wise!

Now that it seems I’ve gotten ‘the shakes’ it was pissing me off at first. (sorry for the harsh language, but grammar-control wouldn’t let me write: “It’s really annoying”! – And wouldn’t provide me with another solution!) When I was reading about how the shakes (Tremor Essentiale) are caused by tiny parts of (or in) the brain dying, at first I was scared shit-less about this, but suddenly I let go of the fright!

“Come what may, I’m ready and able” 

– And that realisation has been such a relief, that I’m much more calm than I’ve been for years now! Don’t know from where it came. It just presented itself and I grabbed it. It felt like letting air out of a balloon. But it also felt like I was suddenly in charge of my own life. Doesn’t that sound funny? Let go and it’s solved! 

Maybe it’s because there’s just too much to be scared of? 

Every few years there seems to come something new I have to consider about my health. It could be that I’m at a point now, where I just can’t contain any more of those diagnoses? It’s not clear to me but suddenly I don’t worry any more. Having managed what have come so far it’s getting clear to me that I’ll manage that and more if more is coming. Not elegantly maybe, but I’ll manage!

It’s a huge relief!

Breathing more freely now with my bubbling lungs and although the noise is still annoying when everything is quiet, it’s nothing more than that … annoying. And not like I’m not ‘careful’, but I’d rather call it ‘thoughtful’ now since I take care to put on warm clothes when I’m getting out and things like that. It just don’t spook me anymore! The letting go releases loads of energy I can spend on more fun stuff.

Tomorrow is time for class.

Going painting for 5 hours is huge fun. Exhausting, so I’ve made sure the calendar has days in the next week, where I’m doing absolutely nothing more but writing. Where I’d worry about the exhaustion before the ‘revelation’, I’m now just doing my best to be realistic with my promises and wishes.

Asking for assistance.

Well, I have to get better with that part, since it would make both my own as well as other’s lives easier! My friends are of course not oblivious to the things that I’m struggling with, but people around me are not prone to thrust it upon me when I might need help, and so they wait until I ask. So many things have been waiting for far too long to get mended, created, fixed etc because I have a hard time asking for help and can’t see a way around it on my own. So now that has to be changed, at my own pace of course but change it must! 

The best example of a sad situation because of my reluctance to ask for help is the roof needed for years now over the bunny cages in the garden. A simple roof and they could be much more protected from moist inside the cages, since a flaw in the construction (which I cannot figure out since I’m not a builder and I didn’t make the cages) allows for water to seep in along some of the corners. They have lots of dry hay and I keep providing them with loads of it, but for heaven’s sake … a simple plastic roof and they would be much better off! Sigh! 

Getting on day by day.

One day at a time without having loads of worries about the future may do the trick. Like crystallisation the world in and around me seems clearer and solutions are now piling up to solve problems. Help is coming to the bunnies and soon they’ll have their roof. I’m clearing out more and more ‘stuff’ around here, and now looking forward to get a smaller house. One thing at a time I’m mending, fixing, creating. If I’ve got any future goals of substance it is this: 

To find balance! 

The visit to the neurologist came and went.

He made an estimate based on his vast experience. Its something bad all right but I was wrong – all wrong – about what kind of bad it is!

I think! He thinks!

His estimate is that its something called ‘Tremor Essentiale’. I had NO idea what that was.

He gave me a piece of paper telling just about nothing I could use, so I dug into the internet when I came home and I’m bound to say “of course” I found most info on the UK and US official patient info sites. The Danish site is pathetic to be frank.

So something in my brain seems to be dying and the first symptoms is shaking hands/arms like the symptoms I have. Later it’ll be worse but no one, really NO ONE, can tell how slow or fast it’ll progress for me since each person is different.

Yay! Another diagnosis with devil’s horns attached! #€%&!!§? – And the only medz I can try have some really ‘good’ side effects.

WOW, I’m really up for winning the jackpot next time? Or not!

By now I suspect its the question: “What’s next?” that’s wrong! Maybe there should be no questions asked from me about something in the future?

Anyway, I’m so tired, worn out, that I really don’t want to know about anything anymore. I take it one breath at a time. Phone is on stealth. Meditations, a schedule to help me get through the days, nice healthy food and less expectations (from myself).

Bunnies are well, so what else can I ask for?
Today the female found a way into a flower bed I’d fenced in to keep her from eating what I’d like to be a ‘sea’ of flowers.

She’d simply found a way … again! She doesn’t give up no matter what obstacles I put up. She just doesn’t give up. And she’s ‘just’ a fur-ball.
Who am I to complaint? I don’t even own a fur!

The moment I found out I’d be ok for now, was when I found myself whistling the day after the visit to the doctor. I suddenly heard it and immediately wondered how the duck I managed to do that. Thought I was numb. But maybe that’s the way I’ve done it all my life. To whistle the day after?

No more questions! There’s no point since there’s no answer anyway.