It’s the same ol’ same ol’!

Going to leave my comfort zone to go and visit a lovely friend in Germany. Although I always seems to others to be a free spirit, leaning against my keen sense of humour, being outside my house always calls for me to ‘perform’. Anxious to fit in with only very few other places outside my house, where I feel I can really relax – be offline!

Oh, I know a lot can be said about how the past influences the present, but even though I accept, that the past is part of me as well, it’s unnerving how difficult it is to manage that influence. It feels like I’ve worked with it forever and still I’m often hit right in the solar plexus by some strong feelings because of some input either it’s small or large.

Going on this trip with my wheelchair and rely on help from strangers is a huge step for me.

I can feel, how I go through all the packing and other preparations over and over again. Trying to avoid finding myself in situations, where I would be helpless, or making things difficult for others. Going over again which scenarios I’d be exposed to and how I will manage them. Eager just to be accepted, and not make a fool of myself.

Being the subject of ridicule is one of my worst nightmares. Being hurt in the process of being me! If that’s enough to have people laugh at me – a mocking laugh … what could be worse.

Oh yeah, being left alone in a dangerous situation is worse.

Once I was left in a train, while all other passengers were hurried out of the train station because of a bomb threat. Nobody spoke to me; didn’t tell me what I could expect. I just sat there for nearly 10 looooong minutes before a service assistent came running and helped me out of the train. He told me, it was a really huge error on their behalf, that the train conductor had failed to inform me, that a person was on their way to help me. The conductor was obliged to help the other passengers out, so he of course had enough on his platter, but nevertheless he should have informed me.

I wasn’t scared of the bomb! Really! Death is not a threat to me. It was the sense of being of such little importance, that nobody even bothered to inform me – notice I was there. A sense of being a nobody!

Now, I am fully aware, that I’m not the Queen of Sheba, but I’m Joey’s mum, a friend to about a dussin close friends, the daughter in law to ‘mum’-Irli, sister in law to Finn, sister to a very beautiful young woman and a  wonderful brother … I could go on. Yet sitting in that train made all those images disappear and had me falter.

Love and attention is something I have to earn. It doesn’t just come to me. Failures means double work to set the balance straight again. That’s how it is – ‘was’ has not yet replaced ‘is’, although I’m working on it.

Well, that WAS the program I got installed as the some of the basis for my life, and I can understand with my brainpower, how silly it is, but nevertheless it’s what pulls me back, when something happens around me. It can be anything small or big. A facial expression can be enough. Like PTSD! (PostTraumaticStressDisorder). Commandeering my feelings to turn back to place me right in the middle of past experiences.

Awful. Not to be the mistress of my own life. And it does NOT help to learn, that many others have the same ordeal. On the contrary it makes me even more sad.

Staying positive and strengthen a different baseline to replace the first program are the subjects on which I’m working. Or some of the more important.

– And that is why, I pulled up my G-string and planned the trip. Planning it well, but knowing, that sometimes things just happen. Also things I could NOT have foreseen. Knowing that I’ll reach my goal in one way or another.

So now I’m clean, just home from the hairdresser, have clean nice clothes and a credit card! I’ve packed all the essentials and if I’ve forgotten something, it’s just lucky, I’m going to a country where they sell stuff!

Currency, credentials, and condoms – that is the essentials for a free spirit. Nothing can be all bad, if only those three are in place? Well, that was a saying when I was young. Fun, but also true somehow!

How can light be negative?

Well, here I was, with my mug filled with coffe, a coat to thwart off the cold and a nice cushion to sit on! It’s still only 35 F (2 C), but an article in a health magazine, I’d just been reading, was pointing on the positive in going outside and let the light be all around me even if it’s ‘only’ a pale spring sun.

I began to relax a bit, talked to the bunnies, tried to convince my bold female to come and have a cuddle, but she refused. After a few minutes of all this pleasure I saw it:

Somehow the critters had gnawed through the plastic grid, I’d folded around the apple tree! A few days ago I saw they had ruined the grid and eaten a fair share of the bark down by the base of the tree. I put some metal grid around instead and didn’t want to think more about it.

Last year I’d placed a clematis to work itself up the apple tree and give some delightful colors from the flowers. Already it had reached half the tree. Now half of it won’t reach anything. The critters had cut half the plant in the attempt to get to the bark.

Positive my ass! I’m not very fond of the two critters right now!

– and the light?

It’s a highly overrated ton of crap! Makes me able to see the dust, the filth on the windows’ glasses, and all the other things that had a nice secret life in the darkness!

Spring is overrated! Not enough energy in me to enjoy all the new shoot working themselves up through the snow, barely done with the frost yet.

And the shoots? I have no idea which ones are ‘good’ ones and which ones are not! The critters can’t even help. They usually let the ‘bad’ ones come up freely it seems! Except for those with an ‘onion’ as base! They won’t eat those either! Except for the yellow tulips!

How do they even know, which shoots are from the yellow tulips?

So I’ve not gotten more out of it than questions and anger the few minutes I’ve spend in the light!

And the critters? They are completely indifferent about my agony! Placing their little calling cards everywhere they like. And …

Aaaaawww – now she’s grooming him!

Isn’t that just lovely? They are so happy about the spring, and the sun gaining power enough to be just perceptible on the skin.

All the shoots coming up are thoroughly checked by the two hard working fur-coats to find out if they can be eaten, and ALL the grids placed around plants, I’d like to have growing, are thoroughly checked as well to find spots where they might be weak! Each and every day the same methodic way. Intriguing, fascinating.

I think I’ll take my cushion and go out into the light once more and ignore all the negative things that will make me jump around and act even more like an ass than usual!

The negative is for winter and winter is almost over with its beautiful glittering snow dunes, and frosty tree branches towards a pale blue sky!

Sigh! It seems there’s some positive to everything – even darkness … and light!

It’s puzzling how come I sometimes get this huge blackness inside of me.

Not only is the feeling all consuming, but it’s also tantalizing.

If it wasn’t too ridiculous I’d come to the conclusion, I’m seeking it out on purpose. But I’m not. I think. I mean … If I could do that, I’d have a say about the ‘when’s  and ‘how’s of the experience – if that’s the proper word for it?

Now is not a time I’d chose! That’s for sure. I’m too invested in the project of getting the manuscript ready to present to others. I’m close to the point, where I need help to finish it! The point, where I’d have to breathe deep and find a reader or maybe two.

When I’m editing, it’s like I’m stepping into a whole different world – and it’s not like when I’m painting either. It’s really an experience on its own.

First and foremost I have to ask for help with something as simple as the language issue. Writing in a language different from my native one, may help me keep the story at arm’s length, but it also cripples me a bit, seeing I’m not super good with the synonyms and daily use. It can become a bit stiff and/or old fashioned. Not to mention the grammar – and on that subject, I’m not even good at it in my native language!

Nevertheless, the successor to the story is already brewing in my head, threatening to become all consuming on its own accord. Which adds to the puzzle, and I’m not sure if I can keep up the energy, that’s needed, in order to have the processes flowing. Maybe I’m causing myself to trip up, if I keep doing it like this.

‘Like this’ is the lack of impulse control, which I’m so darn good at! – being good at ‘lacking’ ??? – now that’s something I can mull over for hours!

So … there’s a black spot inside of me these days, threatening to grow beyond a point of no return. It scares me immensely – but as I mentioned, it also fascinates me!

Once again I’m working hard to keep the balance and avoid tripping over my own two feet!

melancholia |ˌmelənˈkōlēə|
noun
deep sadness or gloom; melancholy : rain slithered down the windows, encouraging a creeping melancholia.
dated a mental condition marked by persistent depression and ill-founded fears.

Never really understood the term before. Now I think I do.

So many terms has been used in so many different ways but just not in ‘unison’, meaning there is not just one way to understand the terms for: Stress, depression, discomfort, angst, anxiety and so on and so forth … this
way, it took a Christmas of thinking – feeling – and finding out what I am right now … if that makes sense?

I’ve already taken the term ‘lonelyness’ under loving care not many weeks ago, once I understood, that being lonely does not mean being alone, but being without purpose! Not knowing what my goal is, the reason for me to do something – anything, to live life and fight for ‘it’, THAT is being lonely. At least to me! Which also explain why it is possible for me to stand surrounded by loving friends and family and feeling so utterly lonely. I guess the youth explains it as being a ‘looser’. They are very clear sighted and don’t need a lot of explaining. I do.

It was a lovely Christmas evening this year. I had made the changes I felt was needed to make the event as good as possible for all of us. That meant starting the ‘party’ around noon, so that MIL (Mother In Law) didn’t have to drive home in the middle of the night. It turned out to be not quite possible as BIL (Brother In Law) had some trouble coming in time, but that did not really bother us. Since I had set the start time to 1 pm, we all felt we had all the time in the world to wait for him, and it was a good atmosphere that welcomed him, once he finally came. Very Christmassy!

Juletræ2012

Even though I’m usually a clutch in a kitchen, as the process of producing a meal does not interest me the slightest, I had prepared the whole thing in my mind for some days and it worked like clockwork. The meal was perfect.

 Not only that, but I kept to my initial plan and told the other four about how much it takes for me to reach such a result and that I will not do this in the years to come. It’s cosy and all that, but it is too costly for me. Isn’t it? I’m not sure, and that uncertainty alone makes it a disaster waiting to happen.

Before I got to that point though, my daughter and aSIL (almost Son In Law) told, that not only do they plan to get married next year if it’s possible, but also that they will have the Christmas party next year at their place. It was almost like they had read my mind. I wanted to yell my joy all over the roof tops, but I settled at being quietly happy for all of us. And being so proud of my kid.

Melancholy – where does that come from then?

No matter how happy I feel, no matter what I do really, there is a blanket of Melancholia all over me. It’s like I really can’t be JUST happy – but on the bright side I’m also not able to be JUST sad! Which made me think of the word Melancholia! Is it really good or really bad? As long as I am able to make use of it, why not just settle?
I wish for all people, animals, plants and non-living items, that the new year will be a particularly good one. That might be what we all need – a break to breathe!

Ok, — it doesn’t make sense!
So many things I can’t do these days. Pains are just overwhelming. Not even the computer part of everyday life since it seems overwhelming too just to open the darn computer! – and now NaNoWriMo?

A month of writing with the goal of 50.000 words isn’t that borderline insane when computer and internet seems such a heavy burden just to enter? Well, it could also be an incentive to get back on track. At least that’s what I hope. And first day went well.

Not only did the first day go well, but I’m online now as well! Now I’d like to go rowing and have a shower, but the mere thought of it makes my hands shake. What a shitty feeling! I DID love the rowing and the normality about a daily ritual. The return to a real week with a day off every Sunday. Now it seems out of reach.

It’s not easy to ask for help, since I don’t know what to ask for. Ask for the miracle to have my pains reduced? – to get my brain to work more effectively? Hardly ‘do-able’.

So I keep challenging myself. Squeezing every ounce of possibility out of a bad apple.

I’m a competitor – big time. Competing with myself mainly. What others can do stands merely as a goal to be reached. If they can do it, why shouldn’t I make an effort to do so too? Otherwise it’s all over. The day I stop trying.

Bunnies needs food and shelter now. A very good time to take a break.

National Novel Writing Month – did it in 2009 and now I’m trying it again! I’m moody – blue – so I’m looking for anything that can bring me out of that irritating state.
Not enough of my day is being used for anything. That bugs me.
Jan.6th -12 I began rowing on a machine which my housing area have in a small house which also contains solarium and sauna. I’d reached a really high level of fitness when my body got out of ‘whack’ – it couldn’t function as well anymore and the summer’s been less than satisfying when it comes to rowing.
My years with the pains have taught me to look for different approaches, and so far nothing has worked, so I turn to this outlet – to write – in order to get back to the rowing. Since painting still works wonders, why shouldn’t writing? Yet, rowing increases my painting in that it makes me more fit to paint in a longer period of time.
So I’ve signed up to write. Given the project a name and a synopsis. Re-opened the tool I have for writing books etc. and read up on how to use it. So far so good.
It’ll be a fun month.

Link to get on board the NaNoWriMo: http://www.nanowrimo.org/

Chances was, it would happen some day.

Found out yesterday night that an account of mine has been robbed blank! And ‘interestingly enough’ I felt completely violated. Again. Seems my life has very thin skin or I’m the one with the thin skin in my life. Wonder how much of it – life – has to be over before I grow enough callus to not feel this way when I hit a bump on the road? Even with my most positive attitude, I’ve reached past the first half of my life –  though I’m constantly joking about reaching 104 ys old. Many years of training should make it possible to be less sensitive, and here it is. I’m not.

Medias being filled with stories about it – robbing – happen to others – yet so are they when it comes to stories about people winning a lot of money! So now I only need to have that happen to me as well. A nice thought and not at all impossible it seems? For THAT I’m ready.

Seeing I have to leave my wonderful house to move to a smaller in order to not have to think about whether or not there’s money enough for the next month, makes it long over due. How will I know that I wouldn’t have found a smaller house better anyway – even with a lot of money in the bank? Pinning feelings up on physical object – even as non-physical as money – is such a bad idea. So how can feelings be feelings and objects be seen objectively? I guess it wont happen until I see myself as an object.

– No – it didn’t help! I’m still so freaking furious that steam comes out my ears! All these words means nothing to how angry it makes me feel, when injustice is served as this was.

Has there ever been any time in the timeline of Homo Sapiens where the individuals were acting just or even just fair (or the other way around … I’m not sure which would be most important)? Where ‘we’ could go around without fearing one another. Shangri La? Not even on paper. Is my guess.

Countless are the books, essays, Ph-D’s and what-not trying to find out how human beings can be nice people! If they have it in them to live their lifes in respect to one another. I can’t remember having read one that made it!

I know I’m ranting. I’m good at that. Now I’m waiting for dessert. xx mill. in my bank and a smile on my face. Don’t be so serious, it makes deep wrinkles in the face.

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