What happened?


Sunday – even now, that I’m not in the lines of the working women anymore, it’s still a little magical to have Sundays.

Now this day is at it’s end and I’m working my way into being content. More than that would be stretching towards the stars.

Last week J&K (daughter and fiancé) came and stayed for a few days, so K could get a very important paper for school ready, while J and I made as much disturbance as possible around him. He worked rather concentrated  through all our noises, so I got the feeling he just ‘used us’ to create the din equal to what goes on around him in school? Maybe he can’t produce if it’s too quiet around him? Then one of their best friends came to join the choir on their second day here.

A beautiful girl with a personality toughened by life (already), yet she’s so soft at times too, that it feels like she could go to pieces just by a wrong glance at the wrong time. The way the three are interacting is always very interesting to watch, seeing that they are so alike both in the toughening and in the softness, yet they are so different as they can be.

It was some wonderful days in the sense that we all was there for one another – give and take. When I can give and receive on equal terms I don’t need to feel inadequate or in debt. Now where did that come from? Oh, give it a rest. Not everything has to be dissected into atoms to be a part of life in itself.

Yet some things are annoyingly important – and how do I find which of the themes/moments/feelings are important to me, if I don’t give most of what I experience a closer look? Hah! I just think it’ s part of who I am? A person musing on not only problems but just about anything and everything I encounter.

The kids however never seize to remind me of the fact that it’s not always obvious which moments in life will make the most impact either it’s negative or positive. Seeing J grown up and me having been fighting all the wrong battles for her, having overlooked which ones were important to her or not, is such a breathtakingly lesson in inadequacy. To be of highest and lowest importance at the same time … that’s parenting … I think!? It was wonderful to have them all around me for some time – and wonderful they went home so I can catch my breath again.

The past week also gave another  wonderful present … A present from Santa. Secret Santa to be more specific.

Among the staffers in the Reading Groups in The Leaky Cauldron there’s a sort of game each Christmas, where we don’t know who is Secret Santa for whom – and it’s not the same ones each year, seeing that we can’t avoid chattering among us who got what and eventually drop some of the secrecy. So the whole thing must be done all over next year with new exchange of names and adresses from ‘the Boss’. I love the concept.

This year I got the same as the previous years: The Greatest Gift ever!

This year it was a book with baking recipes. And the cake I’ve tried already was wonderful. J also liked it which means it must be brilliant! (She’s extremely finicky)

With the book came utensils with the foreign measurements they use in some other countries where they don’t ‘get’ the metric system ;-D And it’s brilliant that I don’t have to convert everything I try either it’s from foreign cookbooks’ or the internet’s many recipes.

Upside Down Cake with Pears

The taste is like … caramel-sponge-fruity-fresh-rich-pear(y) … wonderful!

So all these musings to end a wonderful day, week and whatnot.

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Not only did I get back from that magnificent trip to Orlando, but now in addition I’m getting back from having been ill with pneumonia, but the house is also slowly getting back into its old self after the renovation. I’m back in a new painting class, and back into the Silva Method meditating every day.

It’s quite a lot ‘getting back’ which makes me so grateful for life as it’s turning out, even though I’m whining a lot.

The time of renovation has shown me just how important it is for me to have my life in firm frames in order to remember where things are and to function optimal. In addition I found yet another button able to awake PTSD, and that’s actually a good thing!!! Now I know, that packing down things in the house sends me right back into the days, where I was pulled away from school, friends and familiar ground and thrown into the unknown by my mother. 28 times she did it to me before I was 18 years old, and it was almost always after long (or short a few times) time’s quarrel and hostility among the grown-ups.

It’s said, that identifying the root of a problem is half the work, but I respectfully disagree. Identifying a problem regarding having PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is only the smallest part of the solution, and sometimes there’s no solution to have the ‘buttons” identified – sadly!

Well, unpacking, cleaning some of the mess and being back with baking cakes has been so nice today. Working on giving myself a system on how to keep my things stored will help me find things easier and thus save me a lot of walking here.

I’m grateful for my family, for my friends and for being able to live a nice life – and for my cute bunnies.

Ready for the light feast – by some it’s called Christmas, here it’s called Jul – or Yule in some foreign countries ;-D

It’s been a complete nightmare to get here, but I did it. With the help from the most wonderful friends in the galaxy mind you! They’ve carried me with a strength I’ve never seen before for myself – only read about, and they did it without being asked or told. Still carrying even now. Grateful does not even begin to describe my sentiment – my state of mind.

Early November – right after the medicine was finally found to relieve the pains from the Trigeminus Neuralgia, I noticed my heart was acting up and just wanted to get it checked to be sure. I’d had an arrhythmia some time ago which had successfully been treated by burning cells in the heart with a minimally invasive method (RAF). One of my good friends told me, her brother had the same time and had had to get the procedure done three times. It was not to scare me, I know that for sure, but it was to prepare me if that should happen to me too.

Well, scared I got, because I’m really frightened about ANY invasive procedures in hospitals, so I was really relieved here in mid-December when the first checkup showed, it didn’t seem so serious yet, that a procedure was necessary right away and I got an appointment to have a monitor placed for some days in January, so we can figure out what to do next.

Funny thing about this heart thing is, that it’s actually a possibility for me to have the feeling of being in a roller coaster, which otherwise is out of the question due to the spinal chord injury. So now that I won’t die right away, I’m enjoying the fine moments.

Nevertheless, I’ve thought a lot about things – again! And for the first time in my life, I’ve found, that I’m at peace with death, but also that I’d like to do a few things before it finds its way here. I’ve got a few ideas for paintings, I’d like to finish the book for my daughter and – first and foremost, I’d like to be sure my daughter will be OK – or as sure as I can get. OH – and there’s LeakyCon2011!!! Not to forget that one! There’s so many people I’m going to meet, whom I’ve met online – and there’s the final premiere taking place at the same time as LeakyCon.

It’s fun to be a nerd!

I’d also like to get another exhibition of my paintings. Exhibiting HP-inspired paintings online in Leaky Cauldron, and make some follow ups on a new site my friend Hilde found.

So. There’s lots of things to hang around about. Yupp, so it’s nice if I can, and it’s OK if I can’t.

Outside my nest here, there’s a winter with one record after the other taking place. Bunnies are OK so far, with their nice furs, but it’s some job to keep the route to their cages and the have access to the garden shed as well as the waste bin, because snow is coming down making this the worst winter ever – or at least for all the time, there’s been a weather service – more than 100 years! Right now we’re awaiting snow storm, although all the snow makes the temperature a bit higher than previously for most of December. (Always see the positive) – and now we’re going towards longer days, after having passed  Winter Solstice.

So here I am – ready for the evening of 24st – which is our main time for celebration. The family dinner is here at my place. I’m steadily working towards preparing the food – dessert being the most important ;-D  Really ready to go. It’s the first time I’ve wrapped presents before 23rd in the middle of the night.

Tomorrow – which is in a few hours really – I expect to spend in my pj’s strolling around and just relaxing.

Next project here in the house is to create a healing room! A very interesting project is evolving slowly, which I’ll get back to tell about later.

For now I wish the whole world peace, harmony and a fruitful New Year.

“And then, without warning, Harry’s scar exploded with pain. It was agony such as he had never felt all his life; his wand slipped from his fingers as he put his hands over his face; his knees buckled; he was on the ground and he could see nothing at all, his head was about to split open.” – From ‘Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire’ by J.K.Rowling, Bloomsbury ed. p. 553.

I know now what in the Muggle world could have Harry feel like this. It’s how I feel during an attack.

The condition is called: Trigeminal neuralgia! I’m not sure when it started, but I’ve had a toothache for more than a year, which my dentist denied was related to any of my teeth, and suggested that I saw a neurologist to solve the puzzle!

Well, I’m not feeling well about neurologists! After all, they’re for me related with a huge amount of pain, because the injury to my spinal cord of course had to be thoroughly examined and tested as to where and what the injury made an impact on! So *blush* I waited for more than a year to see a neurologist, and by that time the pain in my teeth had escalated!

Then I met the most wonderful doctor I have ever been to once I finally had picked up some ‘Gryffindor’ courage and gone there!

Not at all like the doctors I’ve been seeing previously and he had no doubt about what was going on. Yet he didn’t tell me the name of the condition right away, but insisted I got a MRI performed ASAP! I thought – well, doesn’t have to be quite as urgent, eh?

Suddenly – like lightning on a sunny summer’s day the pain didn’t just show itself in a tooth or two, but in the left half of my scalp, my eye, my throat, my tongue, my … well, you got the picture by now.

Burning hot, blazing sharp, excruciating, debilitating pain soared through my head and forgot about the ‘through’ but camped there like it was summer camp by the lake! Hours, minutes, days – I never know for how long an attack lasts.

It’s hard to imagine how this will turn out if it’s not going away again soon. Every single day – every single attack I wonder how to endure.

For the past week all I’ve had focused on was three things: Painting, my wonderful friend H. joining here from Germany for the movie premiere on Harry Potter in November and LeakyCon2011!

The painting classes – I’m attending two – has started and it’s going well so far! The first lesson went on perfectly, but the class the next morning I had to drop to be sure I was all right. So today I had the second lesson of class 1, had to use my emergency medz only once, so I thought I was clear of any more attacks, but after I got home all hell broke lose again and all because I got cocky and had some grapes!

It’s not possible for me to describe the pain any further than I have, but I can add, that with each attack – the big ones – I sincerely consider what my options are and why I shouldn’t end these visits to hell! Each time I come out of an attack I’m grateful I managed to stay put, but I also fear the next attack.

Each crisis we go through in our lives can be considered a stepping stone on the road of enlightenment. So far so good – I get that; but then my understanding lacks a bit, when I consider how I’m supposed to be learning! Ok, what’s supposed to be the meaning of 48 years of pain – and it doesn’t seem to be ending? Will my whole life be about pain?

The closest I get to some conclusion for now is, that I’m learning about values. Two of them I’m clearly aware of:

* How valuable friends are. The ones I’ve been able to gather around me are carrying me for the time being, and I’m frankly quite baffled about their willingness stay put while I’m screaming, have my tears – and spit – on their clothes while I’m crying, and still stay  and make sure I get something to eat. Where did their concern come from? Do they really love me that much? How then can I even think of quitting? I love them all to pieces ❤

* My daughter surprised me completely- Again. She did it this time by staying for a day and a night, and she and her boyfriend refused to go home or even have me contact any of the others – friends, grown-ups – while I went through several attacks! They both helped by their mere presence! And they acted like adults. Amazing.

So all in all there’s loads I’m learning in the middle of this hellish pit and even if I’m not aware of them all, I’m grateful for the ones I’ve discovered! Now I just pray for this to be over soon, and I’m trying not to panic too much about going into the MRI scanner thing, just as I’m forcing myself not to ponder what is causing the condition I’m having.

Tonight I’m just scared to sleep – or rather to wake up again in an attack! May no one – not even the worst monsters in the world – ever have to face this! It’s worse than anything I’ve experienced before – even child birth! What I’m most worried about though, is that the monster of my past gets to me during one of the attacks. I’m not sure I can win.

(sorry for the rambling, but I’m trying to keep my mind off of things. And although I’ve written about it, it’s a way to try to come to terms with it!)

It’s just that I don’t remember to get in here to blog!

Lot’s of things and nothing much is happening.

The last of four paintings in a series depicting the four houses at Hogwarts from JK Rowlings wonderful universe of Harry Potter’s is almost done now. Even how to frame the four paintings is planned, so that it still works with symbolism and all. It’s very exhilarating while at the same time calming, because I’ve had the idea in my head for so long, it was taking up a lot of space where there are some new ideas brewing that I’d like to work on as soon as possible, but I’ve promised myself to have projects followed right through to the end if they are not impossible to finish, so I can give myself closure on each of them either way. Paintings are no different.

Miniatures are a different matter. I use whatever paint I’m done with for the day to place on 20×20 cm plates or small basalt wood boxes and let things happen as they want to. It’s huge fun but it’s not a lot of space and energy ‘wasted’ if it turns out as nothing. Well, it works well right now.

Book! Wow – there’s a subject that’s become a huge one for me. As it looks so far, it seems I’m able to create an actual novel, but it’s painstakingly hard work, for it’s literally my heart I’m looking into as well as my past. The scars are hard and difficult to see through but I’ve become more and more resolved to see the end of this how ever that might be. I don’t really know. But at least I’ve written and edited enough to give my daughter an idea about my past whatever might happen. With that I only mean, that after having come this far with the writing of the first draft and editing, I’ve felt for the first time in my life, that it would not be very critical if my life were at its end.

Before I started the writing project, I was still scared of dying even after having survived for so long, for that would mean that some things would disappear with me, but now I’m not as scared any more and that’s a good thing, because I’m actually much more interested in living now, although it’s with the difficulties that’s part of my life now.

Those difficulties are so much more different from those induced by humans. I don’t know if others can follow the distinction between having somebody rob the control away and having to fight to gain control for reasons that wasn’t others’ “fault”/wrongdoing? I just know it’s an important distinction for me. In the one case control is virtually impossible to regain because of it’s lack of predictability, but with the control I’m working on regaining after having had the injury and the terrible pains, it’s still something predictable and I feel that I’m able to control it when I understand how. Well, when I see this in writing, I’m not quite as sure that it’s as clear as before I wrote this sentence, but I feel it makes sense and hope it’s right! Feeling and hoping – it’s all into TRUST once again – it feels ;-P

Deathly Hallow reading group has just started and I’m new territory there as well. It seems I’m good at making new exciting turns only now it’s not physically but more in my head. So the next field I’m venturing below the surface of is Alchemy – or I try to. It’ll be fun to try it out.

Spring is very much over us, bunnies are horny and birds are busy, so life outside my windows is going on as usual. I’m hoping to have the garden trimmed and ready for summer, but it works fine as it is, so I’m trying to learn to relax about how the aesthetic impact is. Not to worry too much about.

Today was the day for the annual Barbeque in our local Arts Society. A beautiful, sunny day in the company of nice friends.

Daughter and our guest came some hours later (as soon as food was available). A computer was of course brought by daughter – what else? Who couldn’t need a computer at a Barbeque? GEEZ!!! Well, I just left the young people alone, ’cause clearly I’m not THAT understanding, and then it’s better to keep some distance 😉 and just enjoy being with people WITHOUT computers!

Our guest has been fun to have with us here, although it’s hard to tell – for me – whether she thinks it’s been fun to be here so far, but now she’s moving to a room tomorrow, that she was so lucky to get right in the center of the City! NO danes – the ones I know – has ever heard of being able to get a room that fast (a weeks search), but it’s logic that the University must have some contacts avaiable for the foreign students, but it certainly isn’t quite visible for them just how hard it is to get a place to live for our young people here. Well, it’s good they are not left in the dark, when they come here from far away.

This week’s certainly taught ME a great deal about myself. Not all good I must reluctantly confess! I just don’t get, that other human beings aren’t as curious about life and things around them as I am myself, so I get to be considered pushy/’mommish’, which is far from what I want to be seen as, because it’s not nice features as far as I see it. I can’t really see where I go wrong (duh! of course!) and frankly I’m not sure at this point in my life, why I should change myself!

Ah, I’m just a tiny bit frustrated, for the fact, that what I’m doing to be helpful to other, appears as something to laugh about, or even ignore or irritating by others and I get really lost there! I can’t find out, if I should tell those thinking negative about it to go f… themselves, or if I should take it more seriously and change my approach? But I am who I am and how I am is part of me, so …

– And I’ve already had to change myself several times to survive, so as I got older I actually enjoyed being able to relax a bit and turn back to what I found to be more natural for me. Part of that is, that I talk a lot – A LOT!!!  And I LOVE to have/get knowledge and share it with others. So what if there’s nobody to share it with! Ah, but there’s a snag: I have beautiful friends, that accept the who and what I am and always only laugh WITH me – not AT me!

I might just be tired after not having rested enough for some weeks now, so I think I’ll go on thinking a bit here and maybe just ignore whether or not the whole world loves me!

I just wish not to be laughed at – it’s not a good feeling! – and right here and now – today – I don’t feel that it’s right that what I give is what I get – or is it???

The day came when our guest came and I have had a really nice day.

The guest is a real delight, being a cute girl with good manners and curious about everything around her.

Daughter isn’t gonna be home until later this evening, ’cause she’s at an event, where our Crown-prince is opening a huge arena for alternative sports like Parkour (not really a sport – more a lifestyle! according to the youngsters!), Beach Volley, Dirt-race and other cool stuff, so she’s permission to stay at the event for at long as it takes! I hope she’s having a real fantastic experience. Right now I’m having my eyes open to see if she’s appearing in the news, ’cause TV2 is out there to tell about the event – after all it’s the Prince -> king to be! 😉

So now it’s chilling time! Body is completely worn out and there’s muffins in the kitchen! Ups – got distracted there. I better go and make some tea and have a muffin for dessert.

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