Pondering


It’s the same ol’ same ol’!

Going to leave my comfort zone to go and visit a lovely friend in Germany. Although I always seems to others to be a free spirit, leaning against my keen sense of humour, being outside my house always calls for me to ‘perform’. Anxious to fit in with only very few other places outside my house, where I feel I can really relax – be offline!

Oh, I know a lot can be said about how the past influences the present, but even though I accept, that the past is part of me as well, it’s unnerving how difficult it is to manage that influence. It feels like I’ve worked with it forever and still I’m often hit right in the solar plexus by some strong feelings because of some input either it’s small or large.

Going on this trip with my wheelchair and rely on help from strangers is a huge step for me.

I can feel, how I go through all the packing and other preparations over and over again. Trying to avoid finding myself in situations, where I would be helpless, or making things difficult for others. Going over again which scenarios I’d be exposed to and how I will manage them. Eager just to be accepted, and not make a fool of myself.

Being the subject of ridicule is one of my worst nightmares. Being hurt in the process of being me! If that’s enough to have people laugh at me – a mocking laugh … what could be worse.

Oh yeah, being left alone in a dangerous situation is worse.

Once I was left in a train, while all other passengers were hurried out of the train station because of a bomb threat. Nobody spoke to me; didn’t tell me what I could expect. I just sat there for nearly 10 looooong minutes before a service assistent came running and helped me out of the train. He told me, it was a really huge error on their behalf, that the train conductor had failed to inform me, that a person was on their way to help me. The conductor was obliged to help the other passengers out, so he of course had enough on his platter, but nevertheless he should have informed me.

I wasn’t scared of the bomb! Really! Death is not a threat to me. It was the sense of being of such little importance, that nobody even bothered to inform me – notice I was there. A sense of being a nobody!

Now, I am fully aware, that I’m not the Queen of Sheba, but I’m Joey’s mum, a friend to about a dussin close friends, the daughter in law to ‘mum’-Irli, sister in law to Finn, sister to a very beautiful young woman and a  wonderful brother … I could go on. Yet sitting in that train made all those images disappear and had me falter.

Love and attention is something I have to earn. It doesn’t just come to me. Failures means double work to set the balance straight again. That’s how it is – ‘was’ has not yet replaced ‘is’, although I’m working on it.

Well, that WAS the program I got installed as the some of the basis for my life, and I can understand with my brainpower, how silly it is, but nevertheless it’s what pulls me back, when something happens around me. It can be anything small or big. A facial expression can be enough. Like PTSD! (PostTraumaticStressDisorder). Commandeering my feelings to turn back to place me right in the middle of past experiences.

Awful. Not to be the mistress of my own life. And it does NOT help to learn, that many others have the same ordeal. On the contrary it makes me even more sad.

Staying positive and strengthen a different baseline to replace the first program are the subjects on which I’m working. Or some of the more important.

– And that is why, I pulled up my G-string and planned the trip. Planning it well, but knowing, that sometimes things just happen. Also things I could NOT have foreseen. Knowing that I’ll reach my goal in one way or another.

So now I’m clean, just home from the hairdresser, have clean nice clothes and a credit card! I’ve packed all the essentials and if I’ve forgotten something, it’s just lucky, I’m going to a country where they sell stuff!

Currency, credentials, and condoms – that is the essentials for a free spirit. Nothing can be all bad, if only those three are in place? Well, that was a saying when I was young. Fun, but also true somehow!

It’s puzzling how come I sometimes get this huge blackness inside of me.

Not only is the feeling all consuming, but it’s also tantalizing.

If it wasn’t too ridiculous I’d come to the conclusion, I’m seeking it out on purpose. But I’m not. I think. I mean … If I could do that, I’d have a say about the ‘when’s  and ‘how’s of the experience – if that’s the proper word for it?

Now is not a time I’d chose! That’s for sure. I’m too invested in the project of getting the manuscript ready to present to others. I’m close to the point, where I need help to finish it! The point, where I’d have to breathe deep and find a reader or maybe two.

When I’m editing, it’s like I’m stepping into a whole different world – and it’s not like when I’m painting either. It’s really an experience on its own.

First and foremost I have to ask for help with something as simple as the language issue. Writing in a language different from my native one, may help me keep the story at arm’s length, but it also cripples me a bit, seeing I’m not super good with the synonyms and daily use. It can become a bit stiff and/or old fashioned. Not to mention the grammar – and on that subject, I’m not even good at it in my native language!

Nevertheless, the successor to the story is already brewing in my head, threatening to become all consuming on its own accord. Which adds to the puzzle, and I’m not sure if I can keep up the energy, that’s needed, in order to have the processes flowing. Maybe I’m causing myself to trip up, if I keep doing it like this.

‘Like this’ is the lack of impulse control, which I’m so darn good at! – being good at ‘lacking’ ??? – now that’s something I can mull over for hours!

So … there’s a black spot inside of me these days, threatening to grow beyond a point of no return. It scares me immensely – but as I mentioned, it also fascinates me!

Once again I’m working hard to keep the balance and avoid tripping over my own two feet!

melancholia |ˌmelənˈkōlēə|
noun
deep sadness or gloom; melancholy : rain slithered down the windows, encouraging a creeping melancholia.
dated a mental condition marked by persistent depression and ill-founded fears.

Never really understood the term before. Now I think I do.

So many terms has been used in so many different ways but just not in ‘unison’, meaning there is not just one way to understand the terms for: Stress, depression, discomfort, angst, anxiety and so on and so forth … this
way, it took a Christmas of thinking – feeling – and finding out what I am right now … if that makes sense?

I’ve already taken the term ‘lonelyness’ under loving care not many weeks ago, once I understood, that being lonely does not mean being alone, but being without purpose! Not knowing what my goal is, the reason for me to do something – anything, to live life and fight for ‘it’, THAT is being lonely. At least to me! Which also explain why it is possible for me to stand surrounded by loving friends and family and feeling so utterly lonely. I guess the youth explains it as being a ‘looser’. They are very clear sighted and don’t need a lot of explaining. I do.

It was a lovely Christmas evening this year. I had made the changes I felt was needed to make the event as good as possible for all of us. That meant starting the ‘party’ around noon, so that MIL (Mother In Law) didn’t have to drive home in the middle of the night. It turned out to be not quite possible as BIL (Brother In Law) had some trouble coming in time, but that did not really bother us. Since I had set the start time to 1 pm, we all felt we had all the time in the world to wait for him, and it was a good atmosphere that welcomed him, once he finally came. Very Christmassy!

Juletræ2012

Even though I’m usually a clutch in a kitchen, as the process of producing a meal does not interest me the slightest, I had prepared the whole thing in my mind for some days and it worked like clockwork. The meal was perfect.

 Not only that, but I kept to my initial plan and told the other four about how much it takes for me to reach such a result and that I will not do this in the years to come. It’s cosy and all that, but it is too costly for me. Isn’t it? I’m not sure, and that uncertainty alone makes it a disaster waiting to happen.

Before I got to that point though, my daughter and aSIL (almost Son In Law) told, that not only do they plan to get married next year if it’s possible, but also that they will have the Christmas party next year at their place. It was almost like they had read my mind. I wanted to yell my joy all over the roof tops, but I settled at being quietly happy for all of us. And being so proud of my kid.

Melancholy – where does that come from then?

No matter how happy I feel, no matter what I do really, there is a blanket of Melancholia all over me. It’s like I really can’t be JUST happy – but on the bright side I’m also not able to be JUST sad! Which made me think of the word Melancholia! Is it really good or really bad? As long as I am able to make use of it, why not just settle?
I wish for all people, animals, plants and non-living items, that the new year will be a particularly good one. That might be what we all need – a break to breathe!

Worst part is it’s me – I screw up big time

– it’s not me paying

– have to stand and watch how the impact is destroying someone I claim to love unconditionally

Love suddenly becomes tangibly

– physical in so many ways and I’m not entitled to claim … anything

How could I be so stupid – so egoistic

How could I

– leave the mess for others to clean up

It hurts – suck it up – Just shut it – it’s nothing like what she’s paying

Nobody gets more than they deserve – bullshit – she does not deserve this – I did it to her

I’d give my life for her – there’s nothing she needs from me now

– I suck at that too

I started it – nothing more nothing less!

“… loosing what I don’t deserve … ”

Pain – they’re there – I’m not loosing those

They’re for being so cruel

Those I can claim.

So.

The renovation, life, health are all challenging me to try out if the ‘new-found’ healing energy from the Silva Master’s Class’ meditation can stand up and win.

So far I’m finding myself on a knife’s edge. Meaning it can go in any direction for now. Well, it’s a working progress. And then came the biggest turndown.

Suddenly one day it hid me, that this (the usual development of energy being poured out of me with a dip into a deep hole of despair) – that it was something I’d read and heard about in another context. Could it be PTSD? (Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder). Truth be told, I do have the background, but I’m not quite sure if it is ‘enough’ to acquire for such a serious diagnosis.

In the next session with one of the best psychologists ever whom I’ve been seeing for close to a year, I brought the question up, and he said it wasn’t far off if not the actual thing going on for me. It’s both frustrating and relieving that it’s not all decided. Frustrating is because I like things to ‘have a reason’. – It might be something to do with taking the responsibility off my shoulders ;-P Relieving because it means it could be something less serious causing my occasional down-spiraling.

Thing is that I like not being responsible! I’d like it to come from ‘outside’ of me. To be able to put my feet up and not having any more to do with it. It would be the easiest for me. But I know it’s not how it plays. For some reason I’ve got these tasks and the more I postpone facing them, the harder they get. Frankly I’d love to deal with them now. I feel it’s high time and I’ve stretched it too far already.

How to deal with PTSD? Oh, it’s the real monster solution: Facing the original reason right on!

So.

Well.

Daughter don’t think I’m a courageous person. I just found that out the other day when we celebrated her 18th. birthday. It’s been bugging me ever since. I’m not sure why it bugs me so – yet I’ve got a hunch. It felt like a huge sting in my chest when she said it. And it came out so very casual in the din of conversations going on. My brain keeps telling me I’m pathetic for focusing so on it, but I just don’t like it at all.

On one hand I promised my self so many years ago to protect her and this could be a hint that I’ve succeeded with that part. She’s not been forced to face the things I have and that’s good. On the other hand I’d have loved to have her admiration! hehe – yupp, I’m a dork! I know. There’s just such a gap between my feelings and my intellect. And THAT bugs me. I’d like to crack that nut.

To help with that task I actually bought a four month class called Silva Master’s Circle. Meditating each and every day. Working with  life’s challenges in the mental sphere and feel it work right out into the Real World. hmmm … Actually it seems to work so far. I can frankly say, that I’d not been as relatively calm during the turmoil in the house, had I not done meditation and held on to learning a new mind-set – or trying to … doing my best.

It’s fascinating to see how it works out in the future.

There’s lots and lots of things I’m grateful for. Friends, family, house, abilities. I could go on, and it’s a wonderful thing to feel such gratitude.

Now I don’t know how to wrap this post up. So I’ll just go for now.

Not only did I get back from that magnificent trip to Orlando, but now in addition I’m getting back from having been ill with pneumonia, but the house is also slowly getting back into its old self after the renovation. I’m back in a new painting class, and back into the Silva Method meditating every day.

It’s quite a lot ‘getting back’ which makes me so grateful for life as it’s turning out, even though I’m whining a lot.

The time of renovation has shown me just how important it is for me to have my life in firm frames in order to remember where things are and to function optimal. In addition I found yet another button able to awake PTSD, and that’s actually a good thing!!! Now I know, that packing down things in the house sends me right back into the days, where I was pulled away from school, friends and familiar ground and thrown into the unknown by my mother. 28 times she did it to me before I was 18 years old, and it was almost always after long (or short a few times) time’s quarrel and hostility among the grown-ups.

It’s said, that identifying the root of a problem is half the work, but I respectfully disagree. Identifying a problem regarding having PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is only the smallest part of the solution, and sometimes there’s no solution to have the ‘buttons” identified – sadly!

Well, unpacking, cleaning some of the mess and being back with baking cakes has been so nice today. Working on giving myself a system on how to keep my things stored will help me find things easier and thus save me a lot of walking here.

I’m grateful for my family, for my friends and for being able to live a nice life – and for my cute bunnies.

Snape versus Merope

Suddenly it’s not just fun anymore!

It was for some time, but the landing was more than just entering the country by plane. House is just a war zone (not that I’ve been in one, but just as a way of speaking), and garden is even worse. LeakyCon was the most fun I’ve been part of since Joey’s father lived and now there’s no more of that. Landing is rough.

On top of the usual after-holiday-blues I’m getting the body off of sugar again, as it’s a poison for me, and that process is really rough as well. Luck is, that I’m talking to my psychologist on Thursday. He’s usually a source of great insight, but I’d like to crack this on my own.

Why should I ‘crack this on my own’?

Well, I just feel even more inadequate now. On the trip I learned how I completely detest being dependent of anybody but myself! And I also learned, that that’s exactly what I am. If I’m to travel, experience anything outside my little bubble, I’m dependent of help. How I hate it.

So now I’ve experienced something quite amazing, something I loved and wouldn’t mind repeating, but it’s also been something I really loathed!

Plus and Minus – Positive and Negative – Yin and Yang … Gosh I hate this.

The landing is just so rough. It’s really a drag having a brain, and even more being able to use it. Careful what to ask for! I’ll avoid wishing I didn’t have that ability to think so deeply, as it may come through, but I’d like to live in the moment some more. Use my brain whenever it’s needed and just breathe and watch whenever that’s possible.

More than anything, I’d like to learn to avoid feeling blue. Am I so ungrateful, that I can’t appreciate the moments away from life’s canundrum, or even be able to just live? It seems so to me. I’m a narcissist as far as I can see myself. Just yearning to be back in Hogwarts and not worry about the renovation of the house I live in, or even to be a part of the whole process by being a good neighbor? It’s bloody pathetic.

The stay in Orlando was just so amazing, as I’ve mentioned before. At the same time happy and sad. Happy for having been able to pull this off – the travel and all – and sad for being in the pocket of ones around me – my friend for one. I’m wondering if I’m more suited to be alone? Am I a bad at being a friend.

GAAARRRHHHG – thoughts are racing, and I’ve no idea how much is from the sugar? It bugs me.

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