It’s been a really long time with hard work!

I wanted to learn how to paint portraits, and my teacher suggested I started out with a person I have at hand all the time – myself!

So first I drew in coal, then in pencil and finally I had picket up the courage to make the portrait in oil! Along the way I found out how much my self-hatred meant to the way I perceive, and with that also how I treat myself. Takes a lot of positive to cover all that negative.

Now … I feel better with myself!

self portrait

Funny how it’s been like a trip to the cleaners! And I’ve even added a lot of how I now see the world around me too – symbols and all. It’s been great. Another step on a steep long winding road.


People get new names for lots of reasons.

Marriage being the most often one, I guess? In so called modern time – the now – it’s become usual to turn to numerology to see whether a name has a positive or negative influence on life, but most of those people also state they are not superstitious? Eh? 0.O ?

Well, I’ve changed my name. Even though one of my dear friends has looked at my old name with some numerology knowledge, telling me it has a lot of ‘victim’ in it and that my new name is much more empowering, I’ve not changed my name for any superstitious reasons – unless symbolic actions can be seen as such.

The first time I changed name on my own account, was when I got married. A symbolic gesture.

I was so proud to be able to bear his name yet I chose to keep what had been my surname and changed it into my middle name. So past and future met and … well, it’s now been 17 years since he died. His mother, uncle and brother (and even my daughter once she turns 18) shed the surname for each their reasons, so by now it’s only his father who has that surname.

The term “father’s name” got me on track in the first place. I found out, not only is my own biological father’s name rather cool, but when he died, he left a young girl as an orphan as her mother died long ago. She’s my sister (I don’t like the term ‘half-‘ as we’re blood relatives) and although I’m not really a part of her life at this stage, where she’s under education as well as establishing herself in this life, we do have some contact and she knows I’m there if she needs me in any way.

So my father’s name was set to become mine, and then I thought it would be nice with a little fun and chose a name I’ve always liked, which enabled me to have some cool signatures on my paintings: Tina Olivia Munch – A TM with a small circle by the ‘M’ or with a circle around TM (TradeMark). It’s not easy to make jokes with a signature! *sigh* I’m a nerd! hehe

OK – I’m just saying this last thing about the name: IF it turns out the new name gives me a brand new life with only positives in it, I’m going to change my birthday too, so I don’t have all those bloody irritating planets whirling in all the wrong places. ;-D

Another new real project is that I’m taking photos as the new painting come along, and so far I’m uploading them on Facebook for people to comment, but later I might do something with them to upload on YouTube with comments to them. Could perhaps work.

As for the Orlando-project, I’m just waiting for the result of the heart specialists’ poking and then the flight tickets are bought! I’ve been promised all the help I can get from the neurologists for the nerve pains, so I’m covered as well as possible there. One step at a time.


edited: Bad bad English!

Ready for the light feast – by some it’s called Christmas, here it’s called Jul – or Yule in some foreign countries ;-D

It’s been a complete nightmare to get here, but I did it. With the help from the most wonderful friends in the galaxy mind you! They’ve carried me with a strength I’ve never seen before for myself – only read about, and they did it without being asked or told. Still carrying even now. Grateful does not even begin to describe my sentiment – my state of mind.

Early November – right after the medicine was finally found to relieve the pains from the Trigeminus Neuralgia, I noticed my heart was acting up and just wanted to get it checked to be sure. I’d had an arrhythmia some time ago which had successfully been treated by burning cells in the heart with a minimally invasive method (RAF). One of my good friends told me, her brother had the same time and had had to get the procedure done three times. It was not to scare me, I know that for sure, but it was to prepare me if that should happen to me too.

Well, scared I got, because I’m really frightened about ANY invasive procedures in hospitals, so I was really relieved here in mid-December when the first checkup showed, it didn’t seem so serious yet, that a procedure was necessary right away and I got an appointment to have a monitor placed for some days in January, so we can figure out what to do next.

Funny thing about this heart thing is, that it’s actually a possibility for me to have the feeling of being in a roller coaster, which otherwise is out of the question due to the spinal chord injury. So now that I won’t die right away, I’m enjoying the fine moments.

Nevertheless, I’ve thought a lot about things – again! And for the first time in my life, I’ve found, that I’m at peace with death, but also that I’d like to do a few things before it finds its way here. I’ve got a few ideas for paintings, I’d like to finish the book for my daughter and – first and foremost, I’d like to be sure my daughter will be OK – or as sure as I can get. OH – and there’s LeakyCon2011!!! Not to forget that one! There’s so many people I’m going to meet, whom I’ve met online – and there’s the final premiere taking place at the same time as LeakyCon.

It’s fun to be a nerd!

I’d also like to get another exhibition of my paintings. Exhibiting HP-inspired paintings online in Leaky Cauldron, and make some follow ups on a new site my friend Hilde found.

So. There’s lots of things to hang around about. Yupp, so it’s nice if I can, and it’s OK if I can’t.

Outside my nest here, there’s a winter with one record after the other taking place. Bunnies are OK so far, with their nice furs, but it’s some job to keep the route to their cages and the have access to the garden shed as well as the waste bin, because snow is coming down making this the worst winter ever – or at least for all the time, there’s been a weather service – more than 100 years! Right now we’re awaiting snow storm, although all the snow makes the temperature a bit higher than previously for most of December. (Always see the positive) – and now we’re going towards longer days, after having passed  Winter Solstice.

So here I am – ready for the evening of 24st – which is our main time for celebration. The family dinner is here at my place. I’m steadily working towards preparing the food – dessert being the most important ;-D  Really ready to go. It’s the first time I’ve wrapped presents before 23rd in the middle of the night.

Tomorrow – which is in a few hours really – I expect to spend in my pj’s strolling around and just relaxing.

Next project here in the house is to create a healing room! A very interesting project is evolving slowly, which I’ll get back to tell about later.

For now I wish the whole world peace, harmony and a fruitful New Year.

It gets a bit blurry whether I’m painting love or love painting! It’s a fact I’m painting war and battles big time. – And it seems love can be a battle.

This week I’m attending a painting class, and it’s really hard work, but I feel my love for painting are coming back big time. Can’t even ‘remember’ what made me slow down.

Oh, I DO remember!

Looking on the paintings I’d already made with critical eyes and finding out, it’s gonna take quite some work to understand – let alone work with – the ‘rules’ that makes an image work for the viewer, had me doubt myself for a while. But now I’m back, and I’m going to work with the tools available wherever I can find them. As I don’t have any timeline I have to follow … well, it comes when it comes!

6 days, 4 hours a day! Tomorrow is the last day for this class, but I’ve already put myself on the list for two classes in the fall – Tuesday evenings and Wednesday mornings for 7 weeks. That way I keep myself ‘in line’ and the classes are affordable for me, so it’s all good.

Class did start out with being awesome, but with a ‘small’ interruption from Daughter calling from the camp she was participating in, where she had broken down in tears and just wanted to go home. The leader of the camp and I both tried to convince her, that two days was hardly to be considered having tried, but she got nasty on everybody. So given her past history, I insisted on having her brought to the Psychiatric Emergency room before I could allow her to go home from the camp, which she did and they found her ‘sound’ enough to just go home and have a nice holiday. Of course continuing to seek help with the problems giving her trouble once in a while.

Technically she’s already moved from home to live with her boyfriend, but for 1,5 year I’m still responsible for her, but somehow I believe this is part of her claiming her independence, although it’s a bit hard to see her being so immature yet wanting so hard to be mature – let alone convince me she is! *sigh*

– and it’s hard work to have to know when to back out – and also realize my ‘job’ is basically over and I only have left to be her mum once in a while – preferably when the shit hits the fan! Is it very horrible, that I don’t want it to be that way? She ‘mentioned’ in her state of mind, that she regretted I was impossible to talk to and she regretted I was so lousy at being her friend! ‘Funny’ remark after I had been claimed by her to be the best mum ever and soooo good to talk to just two-three weeks before that! So it seems to be about time we both found out, what our future rolls should be to make us both content.

Probably wishful thinking, but it’s an attempt we have to make to avoid us becoming completely estranged! We’re both passionate, hard headed fools, so we could very easily spoil it for ourselfs, so it’s something to be really worried about … which I’ve decided not to be!

Not logical? Erm … could very well be … would be fitting. I’m sure Teen-years are not meant for much else but to have parents sigh in relief once those years are over! So I’m taking the illogical way here and try if it works for me – and for her! After all … for me, there’s me to consider, and for her, there her to consider and that distinction is rather hard to face, even though I knew it would come.

This time though – for the first time as a parent, I’ve been surprised by daughter having come further in her development than I’d expected and  she really caught me off guard. Has to be a first for everything! She’s had a hard enough job finding that point, so it’s about time for her  to do so. And it’s really peculiar to have to stand back, realizing it’s not about me anymore. I’m not the one asked to be the one to solve everything for her anymore, and although it’s also a little sad (at least in tiny fragments) it’s a great thing to see her try to fight her way out of mummy’s arms.

So all in all, I’m grateful it happened while I had a painting class where I could run to and hide if only just for some hours for some days. Now it’ll be interesting to see what will happen next. One thing is for sure – I’m neither the coolest mum in the world nor the worst! And she’s definitely a cool kid, although a pain in the ass sometimes.

It’s just that I don’t remember to get in here to blog!

Lot’s of things and nothing much is happening.

The last of four paintings in a series depicting the four houses at Hogwarts from JK Rowlings wonderful universe of Harry Potter’s is almost done now. Even how to frame the four paintings is planned, so that it still works with symbolism and all. It’s very exhilarating while at the same time calming, because I’ve had the idea in my head for so long, it was taking up a lot of space where there are some new ideas brewing that I’d like to work on as soon as possible, but I’ve promised myself to have projects followed right through to the end if they are not impossible to finish, so I can give myself closure on each of them either way. Paintings are no different.

Miniatures are a different matter. I use whatever paint I’m done with for the day to place on 20×20 cm plates or small basalt wood boxes and let things happen as they want to. It’s huge fun but it’s not a lot of space and energy ‘wasted’ if it turns out as nothing. Well, it works well right now.

Book! Wow – there’s a subject that’s become a huge one for me. As it looks so far, it seems I’m able to create an actual novel, but it’s painstakingly hard work, for it’s literally my heart I’m looking into as well as my past. The scars are hard and difficult to see through but I’ve become more and more resolved to see the end of this how ever that might be. I don’t really know. But at least I’ve written and edited enough to give my daughter an idea about my past whatever might happen. With that I only mean, that after having come this far with the writing of the first draft and editing, I’ve felt for the first time in my life, that it would not be very critical if my life were at its end.

Before I started the writing project, I was still scared of dying even after having survived for so long, for that would mean that some things would disappear with me, but now I’m not as scared any more and that’s a good thing, because I’m actually much more interested in living now, although it’s with the difficulties that’s part of my life now.

Those difficulties are so much more different from those induced by humans. I don’t know if others can follow the distinction between having somebody rob the control away and having to fight to gain control for reasons that wasn’t others’ “fault”/wrongdoing? I just know it’s an important distinction for me. In the one case control is virtually impossible to regain because of it’s lack of predictability, but with the control I’m working on regaining after having had the injury and the terrible pains, it’s still something predictable and I feel that I’m able to control it when I understand how. Well, when I see this in writing, I’m not quite as sure that it’s as clear as before I wrote this sentence, but I feel it makes sense and hope it’s right! Feeling and hoping – it’s all into TRUST once again – it feels ;-P

Deathly Hallow reading group has just started and I’m new territory there as well. It seems I’m good at making new exciting turns only now it’s not physically but more in my head. So the next field I’m venturing below the surface of is Alchemy – or I try to. It’ll be fun to try it out.

Spring is very much over us, bunnies are horny and birds are busy, so life outside my windows is going on as usual. I’m hoping to have the garden trimmed and ready for summer, but it works fine as it is, so I’m trying to learn to relax about how the aesthetic impact is. Not to worry too much about.

Today painting got up and running again!

We lost one of the female bunnies, Sille, that suddenly got very ill and died the same day – last monday, and that had me re-experience some of the grief connected with loss.

Now a pet is nothing near a husband or other humans – or is it? Of course not, but for me, they are welcomed and cherished as part of the family, only with the acknowledging, that they have a very limited lifespan, so I’m of course prepared as such, but that does not make them any less missed!

So my wonderful friend – ye wee Belgian – suggested, that this time I dealt with my sadness by using it during painting! NO plans for the canvas – no intervening with what comes up or what colors feels right, just go with flow and let the painting have it’s own life. – Easier said than done, but I succeeded in making a basis to build on and I had a lovely day in the Art Society’s house! Whether or not I come to work with some of the former losses this time, I’ll leave it to the future, but either way it might teach me to a degree, that I one day will be able to go further and it’s not bad at all.

When I came home I had some fun time playing with daughter on Guitar Hero. I even managed to surprise us both by playing a tune decently, that I’d never seen before, and it was SOOOO COOL!!! It’s a game – yeah – but for me it feels like a chance to play music with a band/orchestra and I really miss that from the time I played the clarinet! The times I was a participant in creating music was exhilarating! And that feeling is coming back with this game. Easy Peasy Pie.

Lot of stuff has been going on since last post was written.

Last weekend daughter’s stuff from the year away in school was brought home, so now it’s more ‘real’ that it’s for real! 😉 And she’s making good grades in her final, so she’s well prepared for next step of the education she wants to get, and now is the time where she and I find some common ground for the last years she’s living at home with me, to avoid that time to become a nightmare for one of us or both.

Then there’s the Alchemy painting all done, and added to that is a Gryffindor painting!!! And it’s quite good I think! I really enjoy to get those images out of my head.

Daring, nerve and chivalry

Daring, nerve and chivalry

There’s also been the up-start of the Reading Groups on Leaky Cauldron. The sorting starts on the this month, so there’s a lot of activity right now. It’s really cool.

But then there’s my neighbor. Just as I was writing this post, she comes and knock on my door. – it’s 2 in the morning!

In her Days of Glory she was almost feared for her strong oppinions and sharp tongue, but in her later years, she’s become a nice lightly forgetful old lady who was easy to talk to. Now however it’s waaayy out there, where she comes knocking on my door in the middle of the night, being something beyond confused and very insisting upon me to solve her dizzyness and being really unhappy with everything (and nothing really!). At one time – I think the second time she came here tonight – I found myself thinking more about something going on on the television and immediately got a bad concience for doing that.

My heart really hurt when I see the condition she’s in, but there’s not much, I can do and then I think about something completely unessential and it pisses me off! How can I be so impersonal and cold? Or did I really get a look at how I’ve managed to get through difficulties, yet now having more of a quiet life, I suddenly notice a thing like this? Well, that’s at least what my friend tells me and I have to think long and hard about that. If that’s really been my way to deal with hard times, then I have to get that under some control, or I’ll end up exactly like my neighbour!? I hope, I won’t.

Well this night has turned out to be quite a drag, so now it’s ok to get to bed and let things cool down a bit.

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