News – or not

It’s the same ol’ same ol’!

Going to leave my comfort zone to go and visit a lovely friend in Germany. Although I always seems to others to be a free spirit, leaning against my keen sense of humour, being outside my house always calls for me to ‘perform’. Anxious to fit in with only very few other places outside my house, where I feel I can really relax – be offline!

Oh, I know a lot can be said about how the past influences the present, but even though I accept, that the past is part of me as well, it’s unnerving how difficult it is to manage that influence. It feels like I’ve worked with it forever and still I’m often hit right in the solar plexus by some strong feelings because of some input either it’s small or large.

Going on this trip with my wheelchair and rely on help from strangers is a huge step for me.

I can feel, how I go through all the packing and other preparations over and over again. Trying to avoid finding myself in situations, where I would be helpless, or making things difficult for others. Going over again which scenarios I’d be exposed to and how I will manage them. Eager just to be accepted, and not make a fool of myself.

Being the subject of ridicule is one of my worst nightmares. Being hurt in the process of being me! If that’s enough to have people laugh at me – a mocking laugh … what could be worse.

Oh yeah, being left alone in a dangerous situation is worse.

Once I was left in a train, while all other passengers were hurried out of the train station because of a bomb threat. Nobody spoke to me; didn’t tell me what I could expect. I just sat there for nearly 10 looooong minutes before a service assistent came running and helped me out of the train. He told me, it was a really huge error on their behalf, that the train conductor had failed to inform me, that a person was on their way to help me. The conductor was obliged to help the other passengers out, so he of course had enough on his platter, but nevertheless he should have informed me.

I wasn’t scared of the bomb! Really! Death is not a threat to me. It was the sense of being of such little importance, that nobody even bothered to inform me – notice I was there. A sense of being a nobody!

Now, I am fully aware, that I’m not the Queen of Sheba, but I’m Joey’s mum, a friend to about a dussin close friends, the daughter in law to ‘mum’-Irli, sister in law to Finn, sister to a very beautiful young woman and a  wonderful brother … I could go on. Yet sitting in that train made all those images disappear and had me falter.

Love and attention is something I have to earn. It doesn’t just come to me. Failures means double work to set the balance straight again. That’s how it is – ‘was’ has not yet replaced ‘is’, although I’m working on it.

Well, that WAS the program I got installed as the some of the basis for my life, and I can understand with my brainpower, how silly it is, but nevertheless it’s what pulls me back, when something happens around me. It can be anything small or big. A facial expression can be enough. Like PTSD! (PostTraumaticStressDisorder). Commandeering my feelings to turn back to place me right in the middle of past experiences.

Awful. Not to be the mistress of my own life. And it does NOT help to learn, that many others have the same ordeal. On the contrary it makes me even more sad.

Staying positive and strengthen a different baseline to replace the first program are the subjects on which I’m working. Or some of the more important.

– And that is why, I pulled up my G-string and planned the trip. Planning it well, but knowing, that sometimes things just happen. Also things I could NOT have foreseen. Knowing that I’ll reach my goal in one way or another.

So now I’m clean, just home from the hairdresser, have clean nice clothes and a credit card! I’ve packed all the essentials and if I’ve forgotten something, it’s just lucky, I’m going to a country where they sell stuff!

Currency, credentials, and condoms – that is the essentials for a free spirit. Nothing can be all bad, if only those three are in place? Well, that was a saying when I was young. Fun, but also true somehow!


Sunday – even now, that I’m not in the lines of the working women anymore, it’s still a little magical to have Sundays.

Now this day is at it’s end and I’m working my way into being content. More than that would be stretching towards the stars.

Last week J&K (daughter and fiancé) came and stayed for a few days, so K could get a very important paper for school ready, while J and I made as much disturbance as possible around him. He worked rather concentrated  through all our noises, so I got the feeling he just ‘used us’ to create the din equal to what goes on around him in school? Maybe he can’t produce if it’s too quiet around him? Then one of their best friends came to join the choir on their second day here.

A beautiful girl with a personality toughened by life (already), yet she’s so soft at times too, that it feels like she could go to pieces just by a wrong glance at the wrong time. The way the three are interacting is always very interesting to watch, seeing that they are so alike both in the toughening and in the softness, yet they are so different as they can be.

It was some wonderful days in the sense that we all was there for one another – give and take. When I can give and receive on equal terms I don’t need to feel inadequate or in debt. Now where did that come from? Oh, give it a rest. Not everything has to be dissected into atoms to be a part of life in itself.

Yet some things are annoyingly important – and how do I find which of the themes/moments/feelings are important to me, if I don’t give most of what I experience a closer look? Hah! I just think it’ s part of who I am? A person musing on not only problems but just about anything and everything I encounter.

The kids however never seize to remind me of the fact that it’s not always obvious which moments in life will make the most impact either it’s negative or positive. Seeing J grown up and me having been fighting all the wrong battles for her, having overlooked which ones were important to her or not, is such a breathtakingly lesson in inadequacy. To be of highest and lowest importance at the same time … that’s parenting … I think!? It was wonderful to have them all around me for some time – and wonderful they went home so I can catch my breath again.

The past week also gave another  wonderful present … A present from Santa. Secret Santa to be more specific.

Among the staffers in the Reading Groups in The Leaky Cauldron there’s a sort of game each Christmas, where we don’t know who is Secret Santa for whom – and it’s not the same ones each year, seeing that we can’t avoid chattering among us who got what and eventually drop some of the secrecy. So the whole thing must be done all over next year with new exchange of names and adresses from ‘the Boss’. I love the concept.

This year I got the same as the previous years: The Greatest Gift ever!

This year it was a book with baking recipes. And the cake I’ve tried already was wonderful. J also liked it which means it must be brilliant! (She’s extremely finicky)

With the book came utensils with the foreign measurements they use in some other countries where they don’t ‘get’ the metric system ;-D And it’s brilliant that I don’t have to convert everything I try either it’s from foreign cookbooks’ or the internet’s many recipes.

Upside Down Cake with Pears

The taste is like … caramel-sponge-fruity-fresh-rich-pear(y) … wonderful!

So all these musings to end a wonderful day, week and whatnot.

Not only did I get back from that magnificent trip to Orlando, but now in addition I’m getting back from having been ill with pneumonia, but the house is also slowly getting back into its old self after the renovation. I’m back in a new painting class, and back into the Silva Method meditating every day.

It’s quite a lot ‘getting back’ which makes me so grateful for life as it’s turning out, even though I’m whining a lot.

The time of renovation has shown me just how important it is for me to have my life in firm frames in order to remember where things are and to function optimal. In addition I found yet another button able to awake PTSD, and that’s actually a good thing!!! Now I know, that packing down things in the house sends me right back into the days, where I was pulled away from school, friends and familiar ground and thrown into the unknown by my mother. 28 times she did it to me before I was 18 years old, and it was almost always after long (or short a few times) time’s quarrel and hostility among the grown-ups.

It’s said, that identifying the root of a problem is half the work, but I respectfully disagree. Identifying a problem regarding having PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is only the smallest part of the solution, and sometimes there’s no solution to have the ‘buttons” identified – sadly!

Well, unpacking, cleaning some of the mess and being back with baking cakes has been so nice today. Working on giving myself a system on how to keep my things stored will help me find things easier and thus save me a lot of walking here.

I’m grateful for my family, for my friends and for being able to live a nice life – and for my cute bunnies.

JEEZE!!! Waiting, waiting and waiting more!

The secretary in the Heart Department in the Hospital I’m registered to has promised to get some action done in my case, but here more than a week later, I’ve still not heard anything at all. It’s tearing me apart.

So at least we can now conclude that the name change didn’t work in this ‘department’! hehe

In the meantime I’m getting a few things done in the house, that I’ve had on a to-do-list for a long time. “Healer-Room” slash Guest Room is almost ready to get two of the walls painted. A lot of sewing needs to be done, and I’m a real dork when it comes to a sewing machine (I think, I’ve mentioned it once before – but still …) so it’s a thing I’m a bit reluctant to do! Hm – – – I think I’ll just jump into it tonight.

My friend P. has promised to fix the lights in the living room and part of the kitchen, so that’s up to how much time/energy he has once he’s been working and taken care of his family.

– and I’ve also refined the functions of the ‘atelier’ I’ve been able to establish next to my kitchen! It’s almost done for now – only small details left, where it’s about things I need to get from others. It gets better and better.

In the middle of writing this post I went to the kitchen and got my frig cleaned, a meal cooked, done with the dishes, and cleaned the table I’m going to use for the fabrics I’m going to prepare later for the Healer Room! So now I’m pretty pleased with myself.

Ok – ’nuff for today – dinner is served!

Ok – so now I’ve had a wonderful Birthday!

I wasn’t very keen on anything after having had an afternoon of baking and tidying the house just a little, but I was so tired!

Last year I told family and friends I’d have an Open House arrangement every year on my B-day with cake on the table and coffee and tee on the pots, but to be honest – I’d not renewed my invitation this year!

So when both my little brother and his wife, lots of friends and Mom-in-Law showed up and held me up on my arrangement it turned out such a wonderfully fun and warm day, that I felt all invigorated and happy when the day was over.

Tuesday I had a painting class and I didn’t want to stay at home, even though the pain is so bad now, I have pain in the roots of my teeth – go figure – but I went and it was great too!

So today I should finally take care of my body and soul – stay in bed, rest and have an easy day, but suddenly I got fire in my behind – or summat? – and late afternoon when I was going to look after the bunnies, I started tidying the garden and make some preparations for the up-coming summer with plants and all. I’d bought some few plants at the local grocer some days before the B-day, but as it had rained I hadn’t had a chance to make the pots ready for that day and so now it was sunshine, the garden was nice and warm to stay out in and suddenly 2-3 hours had gone and the garden is as good as ready for the plants, hordes of insects and bunnies trying to get access to the potted plants!

Painting is going really well. All four Hogwarts Houses are soon depicted and new projects are simmering underneath to get ready to be painted too. It’s a good feeling. I’ve signed up for a summer  class the teacher is arranging, where we’ll be working for a week! It’ll be great. I’ll try to get my friend B. to come too, because I think she’ll find it fun and maybe even get her started with painting also after the class. At least it’s worth trying.

Daughter is doing great and bad – typical teenager – having problems and not wanting Mom to be in on it, while at the same time not able to solve them herself, so she’s seeking other ways and slowly finding them! It’s hard to shut up and wait for her to see it her own way, but it’s worth it when she’s taking steps forward. It’s not so cool when she’s failing and being hard on herself over it, but all in all, she’s learning with each step and that’s the important thing. Her boyfriend is a really cool guy with problems of his own, but it seems that they are good for each other and the fact that they both have issues makes it balanced somehow. In some weird way.

The book has been left for a little while, but I’m getting ready to start again with the editing. There’s been a need for me to leave it be for the moment, and that’s not been bad – I think. My goal is to have a ready book before the next NaNoWriMo! It’ll be great fun I think.

Now I think I’ll break my diet and go have some ice cream. I’m only supposed to have that in the weekend – I have to loose 20 pounds or more, but I’m just so tired and smiling and thinking I’ll treat myself – not because I’m bored or sad, but simply because I like to have some! ;-P

Here’s a photo of the birthday cakes.

Today painting got up and running again!

We lost one of the female bunnies, Sille, that suddenly got very ill and died the same day – last monday, and that had me re-experience some of the grief connected with loss.

Now a pet is nothing near a husband or other humans – or is it? Of course not, but for me, they are welcomed and cherished as part of the family, only with the acknowledging, that they have a very limited lifespan, so I’m of course prepared as such, but that does not make them any less missed!

So my wonderful friend – ye wee Belgian – suggested, that this time I dealt with my sadness by using it during painting! NO plans for the canvas – no intervening with what comes up or what colors feels right, just go with flow and let the painting have it’s own life. – Easier said than done, but I succeeded in making a basis to build on and I had a lovely day in the Art Society’s house! Whether or not I come to work with some of the former losses this time, I’ll leave it to the future, but either way it might teach me to a degree, that I one day will be able to go further and it’s not bad at all.

When I came home I had some fun time playing with daughter on Guitar Hero. I even managed to surprise us both by playing a tune decently, that I’d never seen before, and it was SOOOO COOL!!! It’s a game – yeah – but for me it feels like a chance to play music with a band/orchestra and I really miss that from the time I played the clarinet! The times I was a participant in creating music was exhilarating! And that feeling is coming back with this game. Easy Peasy Pie.

The day came when our guest came and I have had a really nice day.

The guest is a real delight, being a cute girl with good manners and curious about everything around her.

Daughter isn’t gonna be home until later this evening, ’cause she’s at an event, where our Crown-prince is opening a huge arena for alternative sports like Parkour (not really a sport – more a lifestyle! according to the youngsters!), Beach Volley, Dirt-race and other cool stuff, so she’s permission to stay at the event for at long as it takes! I hope she’s having a real fantastic experience. Right now I’m having my eyes open to see if she’s appearing in the news, ’cause TV2 is out there to tell about the event – after all it’s the Prince -> king to be! 😉

So now it’s chilling time! Body is completely worn out and there’s muffins in the kitchen! Ups – got distracted there. I better go and make some tea and have a muffin for dessert.

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