Leaky


Ready for the light feast – by some it’s called Christmas, here it’s called Jul – or Yule in some foreign countries ;-D

It’s been a complete nightmare to get here, but I did it. With the help from the most wonderful friends in the galaxy mind you! They’ve carried me with a strength I’ve never seen before for myself – only read about, and they did it without being asked or told. Still carrying even now. Grateful does not even begin to describe my sentiment – my state of mind.

Early November – right after the medicine was finally found to relieve the pains from the Trigeminus Neuralgia, I noticed my heart was acting up and just wanted to get it checked to be sure. I’d had an arrhythmia some time ago which had successfully been treated by burning cells in the heart with a minimally invasive method (RAF). One of my good friends told me, her brother had the same time and had had to get the procedure done three times. It was not to scare me, I know that for sure, but it was to prepare me if that should happen to me too.

Well, scared I got, because I’m really frightened about ANY invasive procedures in hospitals, so I was really relieved here in mid-December when the first checkup showed, it didn’t seem so serious yet, that a procedure was necessary right away and I got an appointment to have a monitor placed for some days in January, so we can figure out what to do next.

Funny thing about this heart thing is, that it’s actually a possibility for me to have the feeling of being in a roller coaster, which otherwise is out of the question due to the spinal chord injury. So now that I won’t die right away, I’m enjoying the fine moments.

Nevertheless, I’ve thought a lot about things – again! And for the first time in my life, I’ve found, that I’m at peace with death, but also that I’d like to do a few things before it finds its way here. I’ve got a few ideas for paintings, I’d like to finish the book for my daughter and – first and foremost, I’d like to be sure my daughter will be OK – or as sure as I can get. OH – and there’s LeakyCon2011!!! Not to forget that one! There’s so many people I’m going to meet, whom I’ve met online – and there’s the final premiere taking place at the same time as LeakyCon.

It’s fun to be a nerd!

I’d also like to get another exhibition of my paintings. Exhibiting HP-inspired paintings online in Leaky Cauldron, and make some follow ups on a new site my friend Hilde found.

So. There’s lots of things to hang around about. Yupp, so it’s nice if I can, and it’s OK if I can’t.

Outside my nest here, there’s a winter with one record after the other taking place. Bunnies are OK so far, with their nice furs, but it’s some job to keep the route to their cages and the have access to the garden shed as well as the waste bin, because snow is coming down making this the worst winter ever – or at least for all the time, there’s been a weather service – more than 100 years! Right now we’re awaiting snow storm, although all the snow makes the temperature a bit higher than previously for most of December. (Always see the positive) – and now we’re going towards longer days, after having passed  Winter Solstice.

So here I am – ready for the evening of 24st – which is our main time for celebration. The family dinner is here at my place. I’m steadily working towards preparing the food – dessert being the most important ;-D  Really ready to go. It’s the first time I’ve wrapped presents before 23rd in the middle of the night.

Tomorrow – which is in a few hours really – I expect to spend in my pj’s strolling around and just relaxing.

Next project here in the house is to create a healing room! A very interesting project is evolving slowly, which I’ll get back to tell about later.

For now I wish the whole world peace, harmony and a fruitful New Year.

Ok – so now I’ve had a wonderful Birthday!

I wasn’t very keen on anything after having had an afternoon of baking and tidying the house just a little, but I was so tired!

Last year I told family and friends I’d have an Open House arrangement every year on my B-day with cake on the table and coffee and tee on the pots, but to be honest – I’d not renewed my invitation this year!

So when both my little brother and his wife, lots of friends and Mom-in-Law showed up and held me up on my arrangement it turned out such a wonderfully fun and warm day, that I felt all invigorated and happy when the day was over.

Tuesday I had a painting class and I didn’t want to stay at home, even though the pain is so bad now, I have pain in the roots of my teeth – go figure – but I went and it was great too!

So today I should finally take care of my body and soul – stay in bed, rest and have an easy day, but suddenly I got fire in my behind – or summat? – and late afternoon when I was going to look after the bunnies, I started tidying the garden and make some preparations for the up-coming summer with plants and all. I’d bought some few plants at the local grocer some days before the B-day, but as it had rained I hadn’t had a chance to make the pots ready for that day and so now it was sunshine, the garden was nice and warm to stay out in and suddenly 2-3 hours had gone and the garden is as good as ready for the plants, hordes of insects and bunnies trying to get access to the potted plants!

Painting is going really well. All four Hogwarts Houses are soon depicted and new projects are simmering underneath to get ready to be painted too. It’s a good feeling. I’ve signed up for a summer  class the teacher is arranging, where we’ll be working for a week! It’ll be great. I’ll try to get my friend B. to come too, because I think she’ll find it fun and maybe even get her started with painting also after the class. At least it’s worth trying.

Daughter is doing great and bad – typical teenager – having problems and not wanting Mom to be in on it, while at the same time not able to solve them herself, so she’s seeking other ways and slowly finding them! It’s hard to shut up and wait for her to see it her own way, but it’s worth it when she’s taking steps forward. It’s not so cool when she’s failing and being hard on herself over it, but all in all, she’s learning with each step and that’s the important thing. Her boyfriend is a really cool guy with problems of his own, but it seems that they are good for each other and the fact that they both have issues makes it balanced somehow. In some weird way.

The book has been left for a little while, but I’m getting ready to start again with the editing. There’s been a need for me to leave it be for the moment, and that’s not been bad – I think. My goal is to have a ready book before the next NaNoWriMo! It’ll be great fun I think.

Now I think I’ll break my diet and go have some ice cream. I’m only supposed to have that in the weekend – I have to loose 20 pounds or more, but I’m just so tired and smiling and thinking I’ll treat myself – not because I’m bored or sad, but simply because I like to have some! ;-P

Here’s a photo of the birthday cakes.

It’s just that I don’t remember to get in here to blog!

Lot’s of things and nothing much is happening.

The last of four paintings in a series depicting the four houses at Hogwarts from JK Rowlings wonderful universe of Harry Potter’s is almost done now. Even how to frame the four paintings is planned, so that it still works with symbolism and all. It’s very exhilarating while at the same time calming, because I’ve had the idea in my head for so long, it was taking up a lot of space where there are some new ideas brewing that I’d like to work on as soon as possible, but I’ve promised myself to have projects followed right through to the end if they are not impossible to finish, so I can give myself closure on each of them either way. Paintings are no different.

Miniatures are a different matter. I use whatever paint I’m done with for the day to place on 20×20 cm plates or small basalt wood boxes and let things happen as they want to. It’s huge fun but it’s not a lot of space and energy ‘wasted’ if it turns out as nothing. Well, it works well right now.

Book! Wow – there’s a subject that’s become a huge one for me. As it looks so far, it seems I’m able to create an actual novel, but it’s painstakingly hard work, for it’s literally my heart I’m looking into as well as my past. The scars are hard and difficult to see through but I’ve become more and more resolved to see the end of this how ever that might be. I don’t really know. But at least I’ve written and edited enough to give my daughter an idea about my past whatever might happen. With that I only mean, that after having come this far with the writing of the first draft and editing, I’ve felt for the first time in my life, that it would not be very critical if my life were at its end.

Before I started the writing project, I was still scared of dying even after having survived for so long, for that would mean that some things would disappear with me, but now I’m not as scared any more and that’s a good thing, because I’m actually much more interested in living now, although it’s with the difficulties that’s part of my life now.

Those difficulties are so much more different from those induced by humans. I don’t know if others can follow the distinction between having somebody rob the control away and having to fight to gain control for reasons that wasn’t others’ “fault”/wrongdoing? I just know it’s an important distinction for me. In the one case control is virtually impossible to regain because of it’s lack of predictability, but with the control I’m working on regaining after having had the injury and the terrible pains, it’s still something predictable and I feel that I’m able to control it when I understand how. Well, when I see this in writing, I’m not quite as sure that it’s as clear as before I wrote this sentence, but I feel it makes sense and hope it’s right! Feeling and hoping – it’s all into TRUST once again – it feels ;-P

Deathly Hallow reading group has just started and I’m new territory there as well. It seems I’m good at making new exciting turns only now it’s not physically but more in my head. So the next field I’m venturing below the surface of is Alchemy – or I try to. It’ll be fun to try it out.

Spring is very much over us, bunnies are horny and birds are busy, so life outside my windows is going on as usual. I’m hoping to have the garden trimmed and ready for summer, but it works fine as it is, so I’m trying to learn to relax about how the aesthetic impact is. Not to worry too much about.

A package came. It was  a book – the 8th of the Quest series by Lisa DeGroodt. It was awesome!!!

I really had not expected to get to read it before well into the new year, because finances are not well at the moment – I’ve spend too much during the summer – and have to really be cautious. There’s just no room for ‘pocket-money’! But it’ll come.

A dear friend on Leaky read about my ‘predicament’ (I know it really isn’t a big/real problem – it’s not that we have no food!!!) but it’s nevertheless what it is – no money means no luxury! And then she offered me her spare copy of the book! Just like that.

Now I have it I can’t believe my luck!

What did I do to deserve it? That’s the first, second and ‘umph’-tienth thought!

Then comes the next: Why do I still question, whether I deserve something, when something good happens to me? And why do I continuously look over my shoulder to see what comes next? When things are going well for a while, I start wondering when the next ‘accident’/catastrophe will come – and it’s bewildering when it doesn’t, but then one of life’s smaller incidents come along, and I can rest for a while!

Right now things are pretty smooth. Not good, but still – no big issues. Body doesn’t work – actually is quite bad – but other than I wanted it to have taken a bit longer to deteriorate, it was foreseen and it’ll get even worse one day! I’m lucky it’s going rather slowly downwards, and that it won’t be sudden big steps but just sliding ever so slowly. Although looking back it doesn’t seem slow really.

All those thoughts for a present!

Btw: I LOVE the books in the Quest series! They are so optimistic.

Reading Group (RG) for Goblet of Fire is over and that’s a bit sad, but then there’s both the LeakyCon and Order of the Phoenix RG to make me excited! Yeah, because my painting were on T-shirts for the RG-staffers and they looked gorgeous – both the shirts and the staffers mind you! Today I could finally see the result on photos on Facebook to see how it worked out. Gosh I almost SQUEEE’d had I been that type of person. – ok – ok – I DID and my best friend laughed at me, but she did it because it was so unlike me to act that way. It’s ok. It’s a wonderful feeling to see my work displayed this way!

Also next RG is not far away, as we start sorting june, 20th., so it’s not so far away, yet there’s still a little break to enjoy the summer starting here.

Other than this I’ve just last week joined a gallery in Copenhagen, where only works with the dimensions 20×20 cm. (approx. 8×8 inch.) are displayed and sold. There’s 125 artists at once at all times on display with each 5 works and the buyer can choose between different frames per choise and go home with a ‘ready to display’ painting. Prices are relatively reasonable and it’s just a fun project to be part of.

My latest painting project is a bigger canvas with an interpretation of something I learned from HealerOne about Alchemy! It’s started out great and I’m really looking forward to getting it done. It’ll be fun to see if HealerOne can recognize the idea. And after that is done, I have drafts ready for a Gryffindor painting! It’ll not be a big one, because I need to go a bit down in size to keep up my physical energy. The big paintings takes a lot of courage as well, so also here I need to tone down a bit and breathe!

Here at home things are going a bit like the title too:

Daughter made sure I got my share of both up and down at the end of the weekend! We had a great mini-vacation from Thursday to Sunday, but finally about 15 min. before exit, she had a ‘little’ surprise to bring me cooking! Ah, well. And having no experience of my own from that age, I simply don’t ‘get it’ and just get frustrated, which my brother-in-law told me, was just what she wanted me to, so now he’s taking this issue and I’m backing out! I fall for her ‘tricks’ each and every time it seems.

Gosh, I hate to be without power, and that ‘my own 15-year-old inside’ is completely left in the dark. There simply wasn’t any room for me to be a ‘normal’ teenager, as I was more busy with just surviving at that age, and I tend to have the oppinion she has to pull herself together and I go about things with a expectation of her being able to use her brains for all things! She seems to me – even if it’s just for short glimps – to be a spoiled brat, and I don’t miss the opportunity to tell her so (ups). She on the other hand is completely clammed up about what seems to me to be weird stuff, but as she is so extremely private, she can suddenly let out something that takes me completely by surprise, also because I can then hear she has previously been lying to me to avoid hurting me or stop me from meddling or what-ever and I just go ballistic in a sec. when I’m being lied to! More *SIGH*

So we’re the perfect match!

*SIGH* I just wish sometimes, I had a Time-Turner, so I could stop myself from being so darn angry! – though – – – sometimes she’s really really nasty! That’s another of her ‘trades’, and if it takes ‘too long’ for me to blow up, she knows exactly where else to push buttons! Well, it seems rational and very logical (NOT) when brother-in-law explains it to me, but please!!!

‘Get a life’ is what she needs to do! And that’s exactly what she’s trying to! – oh, and the reason brother-in-law is engaged in this is, that those two are from the same mold! Not that he ever lied to me or anything like that – he’s a grown-up I’ve known for just over 30 years – but their private nature and ‘playing games’ to get them to where they want to be is the same, so he’s volunteered! Whew! – and he’s laughing a bit at me! He says I’m too logical for a kid like her, so I’ll never stand a chance against her. I do hope the next birthday she’s having is her 30th this fall!

Ah, she’s a great kid and as I wrote before we’re a perfect match – just opposite each other – and that can bring out some sparks at times, but I’m a bit disabled (in more than one sense) with that lack of ability to really know from own experience what it’s like to be 15 and that’s a big negative for her, but I wish she didn’t have to pay for my shortcomings. On the other hand … who knows what she’ll learn from it and if she’ll benefit later from it?

News:

Having had trouble with sleeping seems to get less troublesome these days. ^_^
An attempt to break into my garden – where absolutely nothing of monetary value can be found – was interrupted by me, and the young guys were yelled at so the whole town could hear me!
A painting seems to be accepted for a logo on T-shirts.
An article to my housing area’s “newspaper” was accepted right away without edit!
Daughter had a terrific weekend with boyfriend in Hamburg.
Spring is here!

Life is good!

It’s ups and downs and corners being an accepted part, makes it much easier to cope and I’m still working on that acceptance.
Leaky’s Reading Group’s are storming forward and work there is a bliss, fun, interesting and challenging. All positive – and what a crowd in there! People there are nice and positive although it’s not at all a homogenious group like in all having the same views on things – on the contrary – debates are being very vibrant and varied! Also subjects I didn’t even know existed before – like Alchemy which is quickly turning out to be my favourite – is teasing the mind and keeping the little grey ones at work.
Now tomorrow I’m going to the dentist and to the last painting class in this term in the evening. Great news is, that a new term starts on 31. of march and I’ve already signed up for it. Even though it’s the evening where I have to go and install the paintings-exhibition that takes place all of april, I’ll still work on getting to attend some of the evening, but it’s really up to the person that takes me there and help with the practical stuff, whether we can do both! Anyway it’ll be ok and I really look forward to taken another term with that teacher. He’s very inspiring.
Ok, but now I’m heading for bed and look forward to sleep!