It’s the same ol’ same ol’!

Going to leave my comfort zone to go and visit a lovely friend in Germany. Although I always seems to others to be a free spirit, leaning against my keen sense of humour, being outside my house always calls for me to ‘perform’. Anxious to fit in with only very few other places outside my house, where I feel I can really relax – be offline!

Oh, I know a lot can be said about how the past influences the present, but even though I accept, that the past is part of me as well, it’s unnerving how difficult it is to manage that influence. It feels like I’ve worked with it forever and still I’m often hit right in the solar plexus by some strong feelings because of some input either it’s small or large.

Going on this trip with my wheelchair and rely on help from strangers is a huge step for me.

I can feel, how I go through all the packing and other preparations over and over again. Trying to avoid finding myself in situations, where I would be helpless, or making things difficult for others. Going over again which scenarios I’d be exposed to and how I will manage them. Eager just to be accepted, and not make a fool of myself.

Being the subject of ridicule is one of my worst nightmares. Being hurt in the process of being me! If that’s enough to have people laugh at me – a mocking laugh … what could be worse.

Oh yeah, being left alone in a dangerous situation is worse.

Once I was left in a train, while all other passengers were hurried out of the train station because of a bomb threat. Nobody spoke to me; didn’t tell me what I could expect. I just sat there for nearly 10 looooong minutes before a service assistent came running and helped me out of the train. He told me, it was a really huge error on their behalf, that the train conductor had failed to inform me, that a person was on their way to help me. The conductor was obliged to help the other passengers out, so he of course had enough on his platter, but nevertheless he should have informed me.

I wasn’t scared of the bomb! Really! Death is not a threat to me. It was the sense of being of such little importance, that nobody even bothered to inform me – notice I was there. A sense of being a nobody!

Now, I am fully aware, that I’m not the Queen of Sheba, but I’m Joey’s mum, a friend to about a dussin close friends, the daughter in law to ‘mum’-Irli, sister in law to Finn, sister to a very beautiful young woman and a  wonderful brother … I could go on. Yet sitting in that train made all those images disappear and had me falter.

Love and attention is something I have to earn. It doesn’t just come to me. Failures means double work to set the balance straight again. That’s how it is – ‘was’ has not yet replaced ‘is’, although I’m working on it.

Well, that WAS the program I got installed as the some of the basis for my life, and I can understand with my brainpower, how silly it is, but nevertheless it’s what pulls me back, when something happens around me. It can be anything small or big. A facial expression can be enough. Like PTSD! (PostTraumaticStressDisorder). Commandeering my feelings to turn back to place me right in the middle of past experiences.

Awful. Not to be the mistress of my own life. And it does NOT help to learn, that many others have the same ordeal. On the contrary it makes me even more sad.

Staying positive and strengthen a different baseline to replace the first program are the subjects on which I’m working. Or some of the more important.

– And that is why, I pulled up my G-string and planned the trip. Planning it well, but knowing, that sometimes things just happen. Also things I could NOT have foreseen. Knowing that I’ll reach my goal in one way or another.

So now I’m clean, just home from the hairdresser, have clean nice clothes and a credit card! I’ve packed all the essentials and if I’ve forgotten something, it’s just lucky, I’m going to a country where they sell stuff!

Currency, credentials, and condoms – that is the essentials for a free spirit. Nothing can be all bad, if only those three are in place? Well, that was a saying when I was young. Fun, but also true somehow!

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