It’s puzzling how come I sometimes get this huge blackness inside of me.

Not only is the feeling all consuming, but it’s also tantalizing.

If it wasn’t too ridiculous I’d come to the conclusion, I’m seeking it out on purpose. But I’m not. I think. I mean … If I could do that, I’d have a say about the ‘when’s  and ‘how’s of the experience – if that’s the proper word for it?

Now is not a time I’d chose! That’s for sure. I’m too invested in the project of getting the manuscript ready to present to others. I’m close to the point, where I need help to finish it! The point, where I’d have to breathe deep and find a reader or maybe two.

When I’m editing, it’s like I’m stepping into a whole different world – and it’s not like when I’m painting either. It’s really an experience on its own.

First and foremost I have to ask for help with something as simple as the language issue. Writing in a language different from my native one, may help me keep the story at arm’s length, but it also cripples me a bit, seeing I’m not super good with the synonyms and daily use. It can become a bit stiff and/or old fashioned. Not to mention the grammar – and on that subject, I’m not even good at it in my native language!

Nevertheless, the successor to the story is already brewing in my head, threatening to become all consuming on its own accord. Which adds to the puzzle, and I’m not sure if I can keep up the energy, that’s needed, in order to have the processes flowing. Maybe I’m causing myself to trip up, if I keep doing it like this.

‘Like this’ is the lack of impulse control, which I’m so darn good at! – being good at ‘lacking’ ??? – now that’s something I can mull over for hours!

So … there’s a black spot inside of me these days, threatening to grow beyond a point of no return. It scares me immensely – but as I mentioned, it also fascinates me!

Once again I’m working hard to keep the balance and avoid tripping over my own two feet!

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