melancholia |ˌmelənˈkōlēə|
noun
deep sadness or gloom; melancholy : rain slithered down the windows, encouraging a creeping melancholia.
dated a mental condition marked by persistent depression and ill-founded fears.

Never really understood the term before. Now I think I do.

So many terms has been used in so many different ways but just not in ‘unison’, meaning there is not just one way to understand the terms for: Stress, depression, discomfort, angst, anxiety and so on and so forth … this
way, it took a Christmas of thinking – feeling – and finding out what I am right now … if that makes sense?

I’ve already taken the term ‘lonelyness’ under loving care not many weeks ago, once I understood, that being lonely does not mean being alone, but being without purpose! Not knowing what my goal is, the reason for me to do something – anything, to live life and fight for ‘it’, THAT is being lonely. At least to me! Which also explain why it is possible for me to stand surrounded by loving friends and family and feeling so utterly lonely. I guess the youth explains it as being a ‘looser’. They are very clear sighted and don’t need a lot of explaining. I do.

It was a lovely Christmas evening this year. I had made the changes I felt was needed to make the event as good as possible for all of us. That meant starting the ‘party’ around noon, so that MIL (Mother In Law) didn’t have to drive home in the middle of the night. It turned out to be not quite possible as BIL (Brother In Law) had some trouble coming in time, but that did not really bother us. Since I had set the start time to 1 pm, we all felt we had all the time in the world to wait for him, and it was a good atmosphere that welcomed him, once he finally came. Very Christmassy!

Juletræ2012

Even though I’m usually a clutch in a kitchen, as the process of producing a meal does not interest me the slightest, I had prepared the whole thing in my mind for some days and it worked like clockwork. The meal was perfect.

 Not only that, but I kept to my initial plan and told the other four about how much it takes for me to reach such a result and that I will not do this in the years to come. It’s cosy and all that, but it is too costly for me. Isn’t it? I’m not sure, and that uncertainty alone makes it a disaster waiting to happen.

Before I got to that point though, my daughter and aSIL (almost Son In Law) told, that not only do they plan to get married next year if it’s possible, but also that they will have the Christmas party next year at their place. It was almost like they had read my mind. I wanted to yell my joy all over the roof tops, but I settled at being quietly happy for all of us. And being so proud of my kid.

Melancholy – where does that come from then?

No matter how happy I feel, no matter what I do really, there is a blanket of Melancholia all over me. It’s like I really can’t be JUST happy – but on the bright side I’m also not able to be JUST sad! Which made me think of the word Melancholia! Is it really good or really bad? As long as I am able to make use of it, why not just settle?
I wish for all people, animals, plants and non-living items, that the new year will be a particularly good one. That might be what we all need – a break to breathe!

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