So.

The renovation, life, health are all challenging me to try out if the ‘new-found’ healing energy from the Silva Master’s Class’ meditation can stand up and win.

So far I’m finding myself on a knife’s edge. Meaning it can go in any direction for now. Well, it’s a working progress. And then came the biggest turndown.

Suddenly one day it hid me, that this (the usual development of energy being poured out of me with a dip into a deep hole of despair) – that it was something I’d read and heard about in another context. Could it be PTSD? (Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder). Truth be told, I do have the background, but I’m not quite sure if it is ‘enough’ to acquire for such a serious diagnosis.

In the next session with one of the best psychologists ever whom I’ve been seeing for close to a year, I brought the question up, and he said it wasn’t far off if not the actual thing going on for me. It’s both frustrating and relieving that it’s not all decided. Frustrating is because I like things to ‘have a reason’. – It might be something to do with taking the responsibility off my shoulders ;-P Relieving because it means it could be something less serious causing my occasional down-spiraling.

Thing is that I like not being responsible! I’d like it to come from ‘outside’ of me. To be able to put my feet up and not having any more to do with it. It would be the easiest for me. But I know it’s not how it plays. For some reason I’ve got these tasks and the more I postpone facing them, the harder they get. Frankly I’d love to deal with them now. I feel it’s high time and I’ve stretched it too far already.

How to deal with PTSD? Oh, it’s the real monster solution: Facing the original reason right on!

So.

Well.

Daughter don’t think I’m a courageous person. I just found that out the other day when we celebrated her 18th. birthday. It’s been bugging me ever since. I’m not sure why it bugs me so – yet I’ve got a hunch. It felt like a huge sting in my chest when she said it. And it came out so very casual in the din of conversations going on. My brain keeps telling me I’m pathetic for focusing so on it, but I just don’t like it at all.

On one hand I promised my self so many years ago to protect her and this could be a hint that I’ve succeeded with that part. She’s not been forced to face the things I have and that’s good. On the other hand I’d have loved to have her admiration! hehe – yupp, I’m a dork! I know. There’s just such a gap between my feelings and my intellect. And THAT bugs me. I’d like to crack that nut.

To help with that task I actually bought a four month class called Silva Master’s Circle. Meditating each and every day. Working with  life’s challenges in the mental sphere and feel it work right out into the Real World. hmmm … Actually it seems to work so far. I can frankly say, that I’d not been as relatively calm during the turmoil in the house, had I not done meditation and held on to learning a new mind-set – or trying to … doing my best.

It’s fascinating to see how it works out in the future.

There’s lots and lots of things I’m grateful for. Friends, family, house, abilities. I could go on, and it’s a wonderful thing to feel such gratitude.

Now I don’t know how to wrap this post up. So I’ll just go for now.

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