Snape versus Merope

Suddenly it’s not just fun anymore!

It was for some time, but the landing was more than just entering the country by plane. House is just a war zone (not that I’ve been in one, but just as a way of speaking), and garden is even worse. LeakyCon was the most fun I’ve been part of since Joey’s father lived and now there’s no more of that. Landing is rough.

On top of the usual after-holiday-blues I’m getting the body off of sugar again, as it’s a poison for me, and that process is really rough as well. Luck is, that I’m talking to my psychologist on Thursday. He’s usually a source of great insight, but I’d like to crack this on my own.

Why should I ‘crack this on my own’?

Well, I just feel even more inadequate now. On the trip I learned how I completely detest being dependent of anybody but myself! And I also learned, that that’s exactly what I am. If I’m to travel, experience anything outside my little bubble, I’m dependent of help. How I hate it.

So now I’ve experienced something quite amazing, something I loved and wouldn’t mind repeating, but it’s also been something I really loathed!

Plus and Minus – Positive and Negative – Yin and Yang … Gosh I hate this.

The landing is just so rough. It’s really a drag having a brain, and even more being able to use it. Careful what to ask for! I’ll avoid wishing I didn’t have that ability to think so deeply, as it may come through, but I’d like to live in the moment some more. Use my brain whenever it’s needed and just breathe and watch whenever that’s possible.

More than anything, I’d like to learn to avoid feeling blue. Am I so ungrateful, that I can’t appreciate the moments away from life’s canundrum, or even be able to just live? It seems so to me. I’m a narcissist as far as I can see myself. Just yearning to be back in Hogwarts and not worry about the renovation of the house I live in, or even to be a part of the whole process by being a good neighbor? It’s bloody pathetic.

The stay in Orlando was just so amazing, as I’ve mentioned before. At the same time happy and sad. Happy for having been able to pull this off – the travel and all – and sad for being in the pocket of ones around me – my friend for one. I’m wondering if I’m more suited to be alone? Am I a bad at being a friend.

GAAARRRHHHG – thoughts are racing, and I’ve no idea how much is from the sugar? It bugs me.

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