“And then, without warning, Harry’s scar exploded with pain. It was agony such as he had never felt all his life; his wand slipped from his fingers as he put his hands over his face; his knees buckled; he was on the ground and he could see nothing at all, his head was about to split open.” – From ‘Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire’ by J.K.Rowling, Bloomsbury ed. p. 553.

I know now what in the Muggle world could have Harry feel like this. It’s how I feel during an attack.

The condition is called: Trigeminal neuralgia! I’m not sure when it started, but I’ve had a toothache for more than a year, which my dentist denied was related to any of my teeth, and suggested that I saw a neurologist to solve the puzzle!

Well, I’m not feeling well about neurologists! After all, they’re for me related with a huge amount of pain, because the injury to my spinal cord of course had to be thoroughly examined and tested as to where and what the injury made an impact on! So *blush* I waited for more than a year to see a neurologist, and by that time the pain in my teeth had escalated!

Then I met the most wonderful doctor I have ever been to once I finally had picked up some ‘Gryffindor’ courage and gone there!

Not at all like the doctors I’ve been seeing previously and he had no doubt about what was going on. Yet he didn’t tell me the name of the condition right away, but insisted I got a MRI performed ASAP! I thought – well, doesn’t have to be quite as urgent, eh?

Suddenly – like lightning on a sunny summer’s day the pain didn’t just show itself in a tooth or two, but in the left half of my scalp, my eye, my throat, my tongue, my … well, you got the picture by now.

Burning hot, blazing sharp, excruciating, debilitating pain soared through my head and forgot about the ‘through’ but camped there like it was summer camp by the lake! Hours, minutes, days – I never know for how long an attack lasts.

It’s hard to imagine how this will turn out if it’s not going away again soon. Every single day – every single attack I wonder how to endure.

For the past week all I’ve had focused on was three things: Painting, my wonderful friend H. joining here from Germany for the movie premiere on Harry Potter in November and LeakyCon2011!

The painting classes – I’m attending two – has started and it’s going well so far! The first lesson went on perfectly, but the class the next morning I had to drop to be sure I was all right. So today I had the second lesson of class 1, had to use my emergency medz only once, so I thought I was clear of any more attacks, but after I got home all hell broke lose again and all because I got cocky and had some grapes!

It’s not possible for me to describe the pain any further than I have, but I can add, that with each attack – the big ones – I sincerely consider what my options are and why I shouldn’t end these visits to hell! Each time I come out of an attack I’m grateful I managed to stay put, but I also fear the next attack.

Each crisis we go through in our lives can be considered a stepping stone on the road of enlightenment. So far so good – I get that; but then my understanding lacks a bit, when I consider how I’m supposed to be learning! Ok, what’s supposed to be the meaning of 48 years of pain – and it doesn’t seem to be ending? Will my whole life be about pain?

The closest I get to some conclusion for now is, that I’m learning about values. Two of them I’m clearly aware of:

* How valuable friends are. The ones I’ve been able to gather around me are carrying me for the time being, and I’m frankly quite baffled about their willingness stay put while I’m screaming, have my tears – and spit – on their clothes while I’m crying, and still stay  and make sure I get something to eat. Where did their concern come from? Do they really love me that much? How then can I even think of quitting? I love them all to pieces ❤

* My daughter surprised me completely- Again. She did it this time by staying for a day and a night, and she and her boyfriend refused to go home or even have me contact any of the others – friends, grown-ups – while I went through several attacks! They both helped by their mere presence! And they acted like adults. Amazing.

So all in all there’s loads I’m learning in the middle of this hellish pit and even if I’m not aware of them all, I’m grateful for the ones I’ve discovered! Now I just pray for this to be over soon, and I’m trying not to panic too much about going into the MRI scanner thing, just as I’m forcing myself not to ponder what is causing the condition I’m having.

Tonight I’m just scared to sleep – or rather to wake up again in an attack! May no one – not even the worst monsters in the world – ever have to face this! It’s worse than anything I’ve experienced before – even child birth! What I’m most worried about though, is that the monster of my past gets to me during one of the attacks. I’m not sure I can win.

(sorry for the rambling, but I’m trying to keep my mind off of things. And although I’ve written about it, it’s a way to try to come to terms with it!)