I fell. Into a hole of black because I let my guards down and tried to be perfect at the same time. To be critizised is nothing to do with perfection – just with being human. I know and yet I strive for perfection knowing I cannot reach that goal. I’m so competitive and those two goals – to win and to be perfect – makes it bound to crash and let me burn. I even know it’s origin – one being nature and the other being punched into me, but it’s only helpful to me if I remember to take the edge of and think if even for a second and this time I managed.

Problem with light is, that somewhere there’s darkness. And from my pov after every shade of light there’s bound to come darkness too! And my problem is getting scared of that darkness not about it’s nature so to say, but of the moment it strikes! Once it’s there it’s wellknown ground and I can begin cooking up a solution, but the not knowing! It’s the anxiety that’s the part I’m slow at learning and it really irritates me, bugs me and eats off the light!

So seeing I’m pretty familiar with the light/darkness thing I ran under cover this time and made another effort to find out how to make the … now I’ve sat here for 24 minutes to find out what it is I’m trying to find out, so supposedly I haven’t found out yet! ^_^ But I’m getting better as this time I found out what made it tick and become dark for me. It has happened before, that I found the reason why, just not so fast as this time and I didn’t let my frustration out on any others. On the contrary I went back to the place I got ticked of and continued to work constructively, and afterwards I’ve been working inside my head to give me credit for a job well done.

The reason – the insident in itsself – is so incredibly insignificant that it only tells that the root of this problem of mine – that falling down into blackness and start bashing my head – has got nothing to do with it. It was only the button clicked and making some strange kind of association towards old times ghosts and “BOY” do I want to make them go to another place than here in my skull!

Maybe this makes sence to anyone else and maybe it doesn’t! Never mind – it’s not important to be perfectly understood all the time! šŸ˜‰