What a title, eh?

Well, on my tiny speck of infinity, everything is hard work and things go ‘down the drain’ on a regular basis. So why am I still ok?

Basically I’m a survivor physically as well as mentally. Although I’ve had the privilege of receiving help from lots of places, including friends and various health care facilities, I’ve been able to keep a positive attitude and only tasted small drops of melancholy.

In effect, compared to 2014 where I made my last post, my life has once again taken new turns and yet I’ve kept my wits about me.

Since last:

Worst thing that’s happened is, that my daughter has felt it necessary to cut all ties to me a couple of years ago. I’m hopeful, that somewhere in the future, she’ll come back and we’ll be able to have a conversation again. I miss her so, but I also know, she’s the strongest and wisest person I’ve ever met – and that includes her very wise and strong grandmother! So she’s doing what’s best for her.

Best thing that happened was becoming a dog owner. Actually, I’m sure the dogs own me by now.

Another good thing is, that I’ve discovered I’m a good painter! Not just decent! So I paint, sell paintings, and am getting orders even.

A really positive thing I learned from my daughter’s cutting me out is, that I found out just how important true friendships, good neighbours og a good attitudes are. So I’ve worked with myself and with how others see the real me, and that has done wonders for me, but also – they told me – it has helped those around me, that I’m not as distant anymore.

Part of my former survival strategy was, to keep distance from everything that I couldn’t control – ie other humans included! Not good for healthy life. Not good for a family. Not good for a kid!

So now, I’m happy! Or happier! Or … At least I’m proud of having made it to where I’m at now. And I’m grateful, I kept up the painting when everything else was lost.

Doggies get me out of the bed, out of the house and into the light. New ways of seeing the world. New diet, loosing weight, learning new stuff, coping, living! Laughing. Dogs are good medicine. Life is good for health.


Can’t remember how many days or weeks it’s been since I’ve had such a nice day like this. Not a marvelous or wonderful or any other high pitched expressions for the day. Just nice and nice is so freaking amazing as things looks around me these days so there you have it.

Well, you might have that impression already from all the previous posts I’ve made – or … oups … sorry, they didn’t come beyond the inside of my skull but I assure you they were marvelous. Exciting in their simplicity and with a lot of interesting new angles on old well known problems but alas. They’re now disappearing with all the other great thoughts that also didn’t become anything more than brain vapour. Too bad.

Hehe – I can see, when I look at my latest post in here, that I was in a foul mood already in November and that might have been just about when I had started the ‘newest’ treatment which is not pleasant to say the least. My body feels like it’s going to break and maybe foster an alien or whatnot, but all in all it’s hideous. My day to day system to come through difficulties has now become hour to hour system ie: Where I tried to live life day to day before this last adventure (the latest diagnosis) I’m by now living hour to hour.

On the bright side is, that I’m learning a lot about how the birds are behaving while in my garden. They are being fed like royalty and paying me by visiting every day. A pair of blackbirds has even deemed my garden their daily feeding ground and I’m sure that if I’d had a proper bush she’d build the nest inside the garden as well.

The frost has now settled and drifting snow has prevented me to let out the bunnies for 4 days. They are NOT happy campers and I feel so bad about being unable to give them some extra tlc which could be as simple as a little grooming and cuddle, but perhaps that’ll be possible a little later … or tomorrow.

Everything might be possible … tomorrow.

The solution however – the solution for having my life come back together and make sense once again – lies right under my skin, or so it feels. Like having the word you’re looking for on the tip of your tongue but not quite getting it right. It’s so close. If only I knew what I was looking for in the first place?

I’ve forgotten in the meantime. Ah … no not quite. There was this thing about a novel! A novel that only needs some final brush strokes to be ready for public eyes. Or should I just forget about the whole idea? Dang!

This body is not fit for this life of mine! or the other way around. Either way I feel stuck! That’s it. Stuck in the wrong place at the wrong time and with too much potential just disappearing up into the air. All these abilities and nowhere to put them. Nobody who can benefit from them. ARGH. Damn. And it’s only getting worse the whole time. It never rains but it pours!

WHY! That is the worst word in the whole universe and It should be banned from existence.

I just wish I could see, what I’m missing!

But a nice day is a nice day and can’t be changed once it’s been nice for which I’m very grateful – the nice day AND that it can’t be changed now. Tomorrow might also be a nice day, who knows? Police Academy is on the telly now, so the evening seems to get a promising finish – for which I’m very grateful!

Listening to a sales pitch today after having attended the otherwise very interesting introduction to a program: “Look, this training system is thousands of years old, and has been beneficial to so many people and I travelled to 5 different places in the world to obtain the expertise that I’m now offering you the benefits of – for only $99.99 and there’s more, … “
Made me want to burp and now I wonder this:
If mankind were able to discover the benefits of fire and keep in mind how to tame it to use in everyday life, how come this system of yours got lost to such a degree, that you had to travel half the globe – preferably the East if it’s about healing or Qi or something equally exotic, South America if it’s the secrets of chocolate or … , well, you get the picture!?
Who was in charge of filing that day and misplaced the instructions to such a degree, that only what a few noble Masters had contained in their mind was passed on from generation to generation until the ancestors of the ‘archive-boy’ finally after thousands of years of searching found the file behind the holy jaded sofa?
I mean, it’s NOT that I’m not believing what I’m told.
It’s the use of “It’s thousands of years old, so per definition it’s VERY good”!
I’m fed up with thousand year old of somethings.
What about some new fresh sales pitches instead:
“Some tells about this being founded long time ago, but I’m offering you a modern, fresh approach to what otherwise would take years of practice just to get through the title of!”
THAT would get my attention in a jiffy! I’d even venture a guess it’d be mould free and freshly dusted! Right for me to buy?
Jus’ sayin’!
It’s NOT a quality on and of its own, that something is ‘ancient’, is it?
It wouldn’t be forgotten if it was effective, would it?
What would the benefit have been – in ancient times – if the king’s soldiers was prevented from healing their wounds in only 2 weeks (‘and the complementary digestive healing on top’ in a cheerful manner) because it was only a select few possessing the healing mantra? Wouldn’t those ancient people have made sure their young men got the best treatment the kingdom could provide in order for them to be even stronger before their enemies?
It’s a riddle to me as a consumer, that I’m believed to be so gullible, that I’ll be hot in my pants eager to buy a product just because it’s from ancient somewhere! If they tried to sell a cheese that way, I’m sure it wouldn’t hold up!
…” But there’s an old sayin’ …” – yes, and if there’s an old saying, then it’s the final word in the debate, because old sayings are always both sane and true! Right? Right! Not!

Now, what I need Google, or whomever is in charge of those matters to invent, is a mail-and-add-search-engine that makes sure I am spared for any more advertisers who includes the words: “… ancient …” or “… thousands of years old …” or other terms to that effect in audio or writing and stick them into my spam ‘file’ – and I’ll make sure to misplace that file behind my sofa! (Or some place dark and moist where nobody else ever comes)

… But it’s a good day! The money I saved, from NOT buying that ancient old gizmo, I spend on food for the wild birds in my garden for the winter. I bet they’ll thank me in a few thousand years!

Where is she? Has anything happened?

We’ve tried to phone her all day. Nobody answers and it even seems her phone is simply disconnected. She has a new phone so maybe she’s given up on it and simply turned it off in frustration? Or kicked it out the window? Questions, questions! (She IS capable of the last suggestion!)

Late in the afternoon, with rain pouring down, I drove to her apartment in my electric scooter. It’s in the other end of the town. But just wanted to make sure she wasn’t sick or something worse. At around 9 am I even called the hospital and was happy to hear, that she’s not there or in any of the other hospitals. Nice to be sure.

I swear! It’s not easy to keep track or even to keep up with her. Or to have some simple rules to avoid the rest of us from having to worry! Walking around restless, trying not to think the worst, hoping for the best. Well, at least I hope she’s having some fun. Probably playing somewhere.

It’s not fun to be us, if you know what I mean? 

My daughter is the one that worries the most of course. I can stay a bit more relaxed. After all, I’ve tried this before. It’s the same routine every time. They get lost and they’re found. Only, I didn’t want this to turn out to be the exact time where I should have reacted and then didn’t! And that was the reason I drove in the cold rain! Grrrr.

After having let myself into her apartment, I checked that everything seemed ok and left her a note right on the table, asking her to call my daughter immediately when after arriving home. 

Then I called my daughter and proposed to her to make a deal, where they exchange a text every day telling what is or isn’t going on that day. That will give a chance to avoid the worst mishaps from happening again – I hope. Also it could keep their relationship on track, but of course I can’t force them. I Just don’t like to go out and get so cold as I got today. Makes me go even more in ego-mode! 

Come to think of it! I think I’ve proposed that idea before for them both??? 

Urgh – they are SO alike! Stubborn and introvert. I mean, the little one can blabber until the cows come home, but still doesn’t reveal what’s in her innermost hiding places. What she’s really capable of I might be the only one who has a clue about. – Or am I? I’m not sure of that. But it’s still fun to see her reaction when I say I have 😉

OK, so back to the missing link – I mean … MIL – or Mother-In-Law! I hope she’ll call soon, ‘cause now I’m really sleepy. It’s not easy to keep up with the experienced generation.

So … 

Here I am on day 3 of NaNoWriMo

When this Sunday started I was fast asleep for once. 2 x 5 hours only interrupted by the medz I have to take in the early morning in order for it to do its magic in the daytime. Back in bed. Slightly confused I realised it was 12 noon when I came to and the bunnies had to be let out of their cages or they’d not have any daytime outside. 

Yesterday I had made a promise to myself to make this Sunday the day where I got my word count up from 0 and where I usually get out of bed at 10’ish (3 hours to get the medz as effective as possible) I had now missed 2 hours of writing before I’d even set the first character! Lovely!

Get dressed, have breakfast, and today’s reading of a chapter in one of Dalai Lama’s books and I deferred from turning on the telly or putting on music. Writing and writing to my hearts desire. 

This year I’m not even writing a story! 

I’ve chosen not to interfere with the novel from last year, which is doing really well, since I’m not sure I’m in a mental state, where I can hold two stories in my head at once. I’m concerned that neither would have the full attention needed to become something more than … nothing! I’m not the person I was before 1999 and although I’m up to the challenges life is providing for me, I now need to pay attention to what I’m capable of as I develop in one or another direction.

It’s not that I’m worried of loosing all my marbles. 

There are enough of those but my attention span and need for concentration on only 1 thing at a time are both in other places than they were before. Some of it being age of course, but other parts being me changing as challenges pile up health wise!

Now that it seems I’ve gotten ‘the shakes’ it was pissing me off at first. (sorry for the harsh language, but grammar-control wouldn’t let me write: “It’s really annoying”! – And wouldn’t provide me with another solution!) When I was reading about how the shakes (Tremor Essentiale) are caused by tiny parts of (or in) the brain dying, at first I was scared shit-less about this, but suddenly I let go of the fright!

“Come what may, I’m ready and able” 

– And that realisation has been such a relief, that I’m much more calm than I’ve been for years now! Don’t know from where it came. It just presented itself and I grabbed it. It felt like letting air out of a balloon. But it also felt like I was suddenly in charge of my own life. Doesn’t that sound funny? Let go and it’s solved! 

Maybe it’s because there’s just too much to be scared of? 

Every few years there seems to come something new I have to consider about my health. It could be that I’m at a point now, where I just can’t contain any more of those diagnoses? It’s not clear to me but suddenly I don’t worry any more. Having managed what have come so far it’s getting clear to me that I’ll manage that and more if more is coming. Not elegantly maybe, but I’ll manage!

It’s a huge relief!

Breathing more freely now with my bubbling lungs and although the noise is still annoying when everything is quiet, it’s nothing more than that … annoying. And not like I’m not ‘careful’, but I’d rather call it ‘thoughtful’ now since I take care to put on warm clothes when I’m getting out and things like that. It just don’t spook me anymore! The letting go releases loads of energy I can spend on more fun stuff.

Tomorrow is time for class.

Going painting for 5 hours is huge fun. Exhausting, so I’ve made sure the calendar has days in the next week, where I’m doing absolutely nothing more but writing. Where I’d worry about the exhaustion before the ‘revelation’, I’m now just doing my best to be realistic with my promises and wishes.

Asking for assistance.

Well, I have to get better with that part, since it would make both my own as well as other’s lives easier! My friends are of course not oblivious to the things that I’m struggling with, but people around me are not prone to thrust it upon me when I might need help, and so they wait until I ask. So many things have been waiting for far too long to get mended, created, fixed etc because I have a hard time asking for help and can’t see a way around it on my own. So now that has to be changed, at my own pace of course but change it must! 

The best example of a sad situation because of my reluctance to ask for help is the roof needed for years now over the bunny cages in the garden. A simple roof and they could be much more protected from moist inside the cages, since a flaw in the construction (which I cannot figure out since I’m not a builder and I didn’t make the cages) allows for water to seep in along some of the corners. They have lots of dry hay and I keep providing them with loads of it, but for heaven’s sake … a simple plastic roof and they would be much better off! Sigh! 

Getting on day by day.

One day at a time without having loads of worries about the future may do the trick. Like crystallisation the world in and around me seems clearer and solutions are now piling up to solve problems. Help is coming to the bunnies and soon they’ll have their roof. I’m clearing out more and more ‘stuff’ around here, and now looking forward to get a smaller house. One thing at a time I’m mending, fixing, creating. If I’ve got any future goals of substance it is this: 

To find balance! 

The visit to the neurologist came and went.

He made an estimate based on his vast experience. Its something bad all right but I was wrong – all wrong – about what kind of bad it is!

I think! He thinks!

His estimate is that its something called ‘Tremor Essentiale’. I had NO idea what that was.

He gave me a piece of paper telling just about nothing I could use, so I dug into the internet when I came home and I’m bound to say “of course” I found most info on the UK and US official patient info sites. The Danish site is pathetic to be frank.

So something in my brain seems to be dying and the first symptoms is shaking hands/arms like the symptoms I have. Later it’ll be worse but no one, really NO ONE, can tell how slow or fast it’ll progress for me since each person is different.

Yay! Another diagnosis with devil’s horns attached! #€%&!!§? – And the only medz I can try have some really ‘good’ side effects.

WOW, I’m really up for winning the jackpot next time? Or not!

By now I suspect its the question: “What’s next?” that’s wrong! Maybe there should be no questions asked from me about something in the future?

Anyway, I’m so tired, worn out, that I really don’t want to know about anything anymore. I take it one breath at a time. Phone is on stealth. Meditations, a schedule to help me get through the days, nice healthy food and less expectations (from myself).

Bunnies are well, so what else can I ask for?
Today the female found a way into a flower bed I’d fenced in to keep her from eating what I’d like to be a ‘sea’ of flowers.

She’d simply found a way … again! She doesn’t give up no matter what obstacles I put up. She just doesn’t give up. And she’s ‘just’ a fur-ball.
Who am I to complaint? I don’t even own a fur!

The moment I found out I’d be ok for now, was when I found myself whistling the day after the visit to the doctor. I suddenly heard it and immediately wondered how the duck I managed to do that. Thought I was numb. But maybe that’s the way I’ve done it all my life. To whistle the day after?

No more questions! There’s no point since there’s no answer anyway.

Today is the day before the day. Nothing like Christmas or birthday. I’m going to see a neurologist to get his opinion and perhaps initiate the exams that will lead to an answer as to whether or not this is serious. Well, it’s already serious as it is, since nobody can help me manage neither nerve-pains nor allergies nor Coeliac disease. So do I really wish for more?

To prefer serious diagnosis is not what’s usual to most people.

I know. Yet the alternative for me is having to go through a even longer period of time with even more uncertainty and the potentially worse diagnosis. Something has definitely changed and my abilities is decaying. Like a Catch22. – also when it comes to being right or not. I like to be right – period!

What’s going on is that I’ve got some troubles with my physical body compared to what I’ve had after I got the nerve injury, and physical training only seems to make the decaying worse. So now I sit! Doing my best to ‘love myself and my body’! *snort*

Looking back the troubles has gradually been creeping up upon me. Now they’ve reached a level where they’re preventing me to do things I’d taught myself to appreciate after loosing a regular job (and former life), and so I’ve finally had to take action and start out with having a specialist consider what causes the troubles. Having a fair amount of knowledge and experience with health-issues I’ve considered what my symptoms could come from and prepared myself mentally. It’s harder to stay objective when it’s myself on the line though. Do I want to be right this time?

Why do I prefer one diagnosis over another?

Because first of all what I’m thinking it is will be manageable. There’ll be medications to keep it under control – maybe even make things better – and help in many other ways to be had. I can go on with life even if it’s in another ‘gear’.

Second it’ll be “something”! Something exact and not the start of a guessing game with the potential outcome of me being marked as a hypochondriac. I’d hate that!!! Not whether I might a hypochondriac, just that I’d hate to have it officially verified.

Thirdly: If it’s not what I think it is and I’m not a hypochondriac, then a long time of poking and searching, testing and waiting will be the next! That’ll be intolerable.

So I’m nervous now! Afraid it is and scared it isn’t!

My stomach is tied in a knot becoming gradually tighter as the day passes. Free mediation online is pissing me off. Can’t find anything interesting on the telly. Time’s passing too slow and too fast.

Wish it was a sunny Friday, that summer wasn’t over already and that I was somebody else, somewhere else … and rich!