Gift for 1st of December

When Daughter Johanne was a baby I started what came to be a tradition in my tiny family: I give her a small pendant for the Christmas tree she will have when she’s a grown-up.

Each year I have fun searching for beautiful, fun, special pendants and it’s now a collection of 18 items:

(Her frog angel is pink, this frog angel – at the bottom in the middle – is mine to make the photo, because hers is now at her apartment)

This year however she (+Kasper) turned the tradition, so I got a present for 1st December as well, and at first it just looked like a dull brown “thingy”:

But with a little money – coins – something happens:

And the money disappears:

It’s just hilarious and there’s sound with it as well, of course a cat’s sound – just too cute! I LOVE IT! Oh, and it took me some time to figure out when to push the button on my camera, since it’s not quite usual for me, that the camera don’t take the picture immediately. But at last it worked!

 

Ending a wonderful day

Sunday – even now, that I’m not in the lines of the working women anymore, it’s still a little magical to have Sundays.

Now this day is at it’s end and I’m working my way into being content. More than that would be stretching towards the stars.

Last week J&K (daughter and fiancé) came and stayed for a few days, so K could get a very important paper for school ready, while J and I made as much disturbance as possible around him. He worked rather concentrated  through all our noises, so I got the feeling he just ‘used us’ to create the din equal to what goes on around him in school? Maybe he can’t produce if it’s too quiet around him? Then one of their best friends came to join the choir on their second day here.

A beautiful girl with a personality toughened by life (already), yet she’s so soft at times too, that it feels like she could go to pieces just by a wrong glance at the wrong time. The way the three are interacting is always very interesting to watch, seeing that they are so alike both in the toughening and in the softness, yet they are so different as they can be.

It was some wonderful days in the sense that we all was there for one another – give and take. When I can give and receive on equal terms I don’t need to feel inadequate or in debt. Now where did that come from? Oh, give it a rest. Not everything has to be dissected into atoms to be a part of life in itself.

…

Yet some things are annoyingly important – and how do I find which of the themes/moments/feelings are important to me, if I don’t give most of what I experience a closer look? Hah! I just think it’ s part of who I am? A person musing on not only problems but just about anything and everything I encounter.

The kids however never seize to remind me of the fact that it’s not always obvious which moments in life will make the most impact either it’s negative or positive. Seeing J grown up and me having been fighting all the wrong battles for her, having overlooked which ones were important to her or not, is such a breathtakingly lesson in inadequacy. To be of highest and lowest importance at the same time … that’s parenting … I think!? It was wonderful to have them all around me for some time – and wonderful they went home so I can catch my breath again.

-

The past week also gave another  wonderful present … A present from Santa. Secret Santa to be more specific.

Among the staffers in the Reading Groups in The Leaky Cauldron there’s a sort of game each Christmas, where we don’t know who is Secret Santa for whom – and it’s not the same ones each year, seeing that we can’t avoid chattering among us who got what and eventually drop some of the secrecy. So the whole thing must be done all over next year with new exchange of names and adresses from ‘the Boss’. I love the concept.

This year I got the same as the previous years: The Greatest Gift ever!

This year it was a book with baking recipes. And the cake I’ve tried already was wonderful. J also liked it which means it must be brilliant! (She’s extremely finicky)

With the book came utensils with the foreign measurements they use in some other countries where they don’t ‘get’ the metric system ;-D And it’s brilliant that I don’t have to convert everything I try either it’s from foreign cookbooks’ or the internet’s many recipes.

Upside Down Cake with Pears

The taste is like … caramel-sponge-fruity-fresh-rich-pear(y) … wonderful!

So all these musings to end a wonderful day, week and whatnot.

 

down yet still up

So.

The renovation, life, health are all challenging me to try out if the ‘new-found’ healing energy from the Silva Master’s Class’ meditation can stand up and win.

So far I’m finding myself on a knife’s edge. Meaning it can go in any direction for now. Well, it’s a working progress. And then came the biggest turndown.

Suddenly one day it hid me, that this (the usual development of energy being poured out of me with a dip into a deep hole of despair) – that it was something I’d read and heard about in another context. Could it be PTSD? (Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder). Truth be told, I do have the background, but I’m not quite sure if it is ‘enough’ to acquire for such a serious diagnosis.

In the next session with one of the best psychologists ever whom I’ve been seeing for close to a year, I brought the question up, and he said it wasn’t far off if not the actual thing going on for me. It’s both frustrating and relieving that it’s not all decided. Frustrating is because I like things to ‘have a reason’. – It might be something to do with taking the responsibility off my shoulders ;-P Relieving because it means it could be something less serious causing my occasional down-spiraling.

Thing is that I like not being responsible! I’d like it to come from ‘outside’ of me. To be able to put my feet up and not having any more to do with it. It would be the easiest for me. But I know it’s not how it plays. For some reason I’ve got these tasks and the more I postpone facing them, the harder they get. Frankly I’d love to deal with them now. I feel it’s high time and I’ve stretched it too far already.

How to deal with PTSD? Oh, it’s the real monster solution: Facing the original reason right on!

So.

Well.

Daughter don’t think I’m a courageous person. I just found that out the other day when we celebrated her 18th. birthday. It’s been bugging me ever since. I’m not sure why it bugs me so – yet I’ve got a hunch. It felt like a huge sting in my chest when she said it. And it came out so very casual in the din of conversations going on. My brain keeps telling me I’m pathetic for focusing so on it, but I just don’t like it at all.

On one hand I promised my self so many years ago to protect her and this could be a hint that I’ve succeeded with that part. She’s not been forced to face the things I have and that’s good. On the other hand I’d have loved to have her admiration! hehe – yupp, I’m a dork! I know. There’s just such a gap between my feelings and my intellect. And THAT bugs me. I’d like to crack that nut.

To help with that task I actually bought a four month class called Silva Master’s Circle. Meditating each and every day. Working with  life’s challenges in the mental sphere and feel it work right out into the Real World. hmmm … Actually it seems to work so far. I can frankly say, that I’d not been as relatively calm during the turmoil in the house, had I not done meditation and held on to learning a new mind-set – or trying to … doing my best.

It’s fascinating to see how it works out in the future.

There’s lots and lots of things I’m grateful for. Friends, family, house, abilities. I could go on, and it’s a wonderful thing to feel such gratitude.

Now I don’t know how to wrap this post up. So I’ll just go for now.

 

Getting back

Not only did I get back from that magnificent trip to Orlando, but now in addition I’m getting back from having been ill with pneumonia, but the house is also slowly getting back into its old self after the renovation. I’m back in a new painting class, and back into the Silva Method meditating every day.

It’s quite a lot ‘getting back’ which makes me so grateful for life as it’s turning out, even though I’m whining a lot.

The time of renovation has shown me just how important it is for me to have my life in firm frames in order to remember where things are and to function optimal. In addition I found yet another button able to awake PTSD, and that’s actually a good thing!!! Now I know, that packing down things in the house sends me right back into the days, where I was pulled away from school, friends and familiar ground and thrown into the unknown by my mother. 28 times she did it to me before I was 18 years old, and it was almost always after long (or short a few times) time’s quarrel and hostility among the grown-ups.

It’s said, that identifying the root of a problem is half the work, but I respectfully disagree. Identifying a problem regarding having PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is only the smallest part of the solution, and sometimes there’s no solution to have the ‘buttons” identified – sadly!

Well, unpacking, cleaning some of the mess and being back with baking cakes has been so nice today. Working on giving myself a system on how to keep my things stored will help me find things easier and thus save me a lot of walking here.

I’m grateful for my family, for my friends and for being able to live a nice life – and for my cute bunnies.

 

Reality strikes again

Snape versus Merope

Suddenly it’s not just fun anymore!

It was for some time, but the landing was more than just entering the country by plane. House is just a war zone (not that I’ve been in one, but just as a way of speaking), and garden is even worse. LeakyCon was the most fun I’ve been part of since Joey’s father lived and now there’s no more of that. Landing is rough.

On top of the usual after-holiday-blues I’m getting the body off of sugar again, as it’s a poison for me, and that process is really rough as well. Luck is, that I’m talking to my psychologist on Thursday. He’s usually a source of great insight, but I’d like to crack this on my own.

Why should I ‘crack this on my own’?

Well, I just feel even more inadequate now. On the trip I learned how I completely detest being dependent of anybody but myself! And I also learned, that that’s exactly what I am. If I’m to travel, experience anything outside my little bubble, I’m dependent of help. How I hate it.

So now I’ve experienced something quite amazing, something I loved and wouldn’t mind repeating, but it’s also been something I really loathed!

Plus and Minus – Positive and Negative – Yin and Yang … Gosh I hate this.

The landing is just so rough. It’s really a drag having a brain, and even more being able to use it. Careful what to ask for! I’ll avoid wishing I didn’t have that ability to think so deeply, as it may come through, but I’d like to live in the moment some more. Use my brain whenever it’s needed and just breathe and watch whenever that’s possible.

More than anything, I’d like to learn to avoid feeling blue. Am I so ungrateful, that I can’t appreciate the moments away from life’s canundrum, or even be able to just live? It seems so to me. I’m a narcissist as far as I can see myself. Just yearning to be back in Hogwarts and not worry about the renovation of the house I live in, or even to be a part of the whole process by being a good neighbor? It’s bloody pathetic.

The stay in Orlando was just so amazing, as I’ve mentioned before. At the same time happy and sad. Happy for having been able to pull this off – the travel and all – and sad for being in the pocket of ones around me – my friend for one. I’m wondering if I’m more suited to be alone? Am I a bad at being a friend.

GAAARRRHHHG – thoughts are racing, and I’ve no idea how much is from the sugar? It bugs me.

 

Accomplishing!

Almost anything I feel good about having done during the day is accomplishment!

Today I stayed at home, although I had a plan to go painting in the House.

Friends coming by and a general ache in the entire body (after having been in the attic, even though the ‘trip’ up and down the stairs, not to mention the pushing and shoving of things up there, are things that’s very forbidden for me – the price is too high as I risk my ability to walk! tsk tsk!) had me decide to stay home.

As a ‘punishment’, both for the attic thing AND the staying home, I then decided it was Henna Day! 5-6 hours with Henna in my hair, newpaper and towels around the head, to ensure I had accomplished something good today!

Suddenly I buzzed around like a bee in a bonnet, and I thought I’d show (off) my latest accomplishment when it comes to painting:

Trine just moved from home, and she likes to keep her things in black and white, clean designs, so of course I chose colored backgrounds and some form of disorganization.

Japanese Inspiration

Two paintings intertwining:

Symbolism inspired from Japanese art with some form of respect for the very impressive traditions from old.

Here’s the one with the symbols saying: “Strength from within is more important than strength on the outside” (My free interpretation from English).

Japanese Inspiration

This one has the symbols:

Cure (for human) and Healing.

Now the REAL FUN begins when she place the paintings on the walls!!!

No matter how she place them, they fit together with their stories: Click the links for the four places -  Right   Left   Up  Down

Huge fun to make and she said, she really likes them.

Why should life be boring?

 

Done with a big project

It’s been a really long time with hard work!

I wanted to learn how to paint portraits, and my teacher suggested I started out with a person I have at hand all the time – myself!

So first I drew in coal, then in pencil and finally I had picket up the courage to make the portrait in oil! Along the way I found out how much my self-hatred meant to the way I perceive, and with that also how I treat myself. Takes a lot of positive to cover all that negative.

Now … I feel better with myself!

self portrait

Funny how it’s been like a trip to the cleaners! And I’ve even added a lot of how I now see the world around me too – symbols and all. It’s been great. Another step on a steep long winding road.

 

Tickets are bought

Tickets for Orlando, Florida, are bought the other day! Tomorrow I’m applying for a new passport, so I can apply for a Visa for US, and details are being planned! Gosh it’s exciting.

Today I started Spring Cleaning in the garden after I’d “escorted” Hilde to the Airport. We’ve had some wonderful days with Healing and Seminar with Meditation and Energy-flow, so MY energy was enormous, which I spend in the garden.

Bunnies are wonderful, and curious about what’s going on in THEIR garden. Cozy!

Also the paintings I’m working on, got an over haul during Hilde’s stay, so it’s been wonderful and fulfilling days. Loads to look back on and loads to look forward to!

 

WAITING (- for Godot)

JEEZE!!! Waiting, waiting and waiting more!

The secretary in the Heart Department in the Hospital I’m registered to has promised to get some action done in my case, but here more than a week later, I’ve still not heard anything at all. It’s tearing me apart.

So at least we can now conclude that the name change didn’t work in this ‘department’! hehe

In the meantime I’m getting a few things done in the house, that I’ve had on a to-do-list for a long time. “Healer-Room” slash Guest Room is almost ready to get two of the walls painted. A lot of sewing needs to be done, and I’m a real dork when it comes to a sewing machine (I think, I’ve mentioned it once before – but still …) so it’s a thing I’m a bit reluctant to do! Hm – - – I think I’ll just jump into it tonight.

My friend P. has promised to fix the lights in the living room and part of the kitchen, so that’s up to how much time/energy he has once he’s been working and taken care of his family.

- and I’ve also refined the functions of the ‘atelier’ I’ve been able to establish next to my kitchen! It’s almost done for now – only small details left, where it’s about things I need to get from others. It gets better and better.

In the middle of writing this post I went to the kitchen and got my frig cleaned, a meal cooked, done with the dishes, and cleaned the table I’m going to use for the fabrics I’m going to prepare later for the Healer Room! So now I’m pretty pleased with myself.

Ok – ’nuff for today – dinner is served!

 

Why a new name

People get new names for lots of reasons.

Marriage being the most often one, I guess? In so called modern time – the now – it’s become usual to turn to numerology to see whether a name has a positive or negative influence on life, but most of those people also state they are not superstitious? Eh? 0.O ?

Well, I’ve changed my name. Even though one of my dear friends has looked at my old name with some numerology knowledge, telling me it has a lot of ‘victim’ in it and that my new name is much more empowering, I’ve not changed my name for any superstitious reasons – unless symbolic actions can be seen as such.

The first time I changed name on my own account, was when I got married. A symbolic gesture.

I was so proud to be able to bear his name yet I chose to keep what had been my surname and changed it into my middle name. So past and future met and … well, it’s now been 17 years since he died. His mother, uncle and brother (and even my daughter once she turns 18) shed the surname for each their reasons, so by now it’s only his father who has that surname.

The term “father’s name” got me on track in the first place. I found out, not only is my own biological father’s name rather cool, but when he died, he left a young girl as an orphan as her mother died long ago. She’s my sister (I don’t like the term ‘half-’ as we’re blood relatives) and although I’m not really a part of her life at this stage, where she’s under education as well as establishing herself in this life, we do have some contact and she knows I’m there if she needs me in any way.

So my father’s name was set to become mine, and then I thought it would be nice with a little fun and chose a name I’ve always liked, which enabled me to have some cool signatures on my paintings: Tina Olivia Munch – A TM with a small circle by the ‘M’ or with a circle around TM (TradeMark). It’s not easy to make jokes with a signature! *sigh* I’m a nerd! hehe

OK – I’m just saying this last thing about the name: IF it turns out the new name gives me a brand new life with only positives in it, I’m going to change my birthday too, so I don’t have all those bloody irritating planets whirling in all the wrong places. ;-D

Another new real project is that I’m taking photos as the new painting come along, and so far I’m uploading them on Facebook for people to comment, but later I might do something with them to upload on YouTube with comments to them. Could perhaps work.

As for the Orlando-project, I’m just waiting for the result of the heart specialists’ poking and then the flight tickets are bought! I’ve been promised all the help I can get from the neurologists for the nerve pains, so I’m covered as well as possible there. One step at a time.

 

edited: Bad bad English!